It’s Official… I Will Forever Be a Mom of 5 & I’m Not Complaining
A couple of weeks ago I shared my feelings on our decision to not have any more children… realizing that I will never again be called “Mommy” for the first time was a bit difficult. Yesterday, Barry had the procedure done and the finality of it set in with me. :( Maybe I’m crazy – we do have five kids already but for me, it’s bittersweet. I honestly don’t see wanting more kids but if I ever do, I can’t! I’ve been “Mommy” since I was 17. Being maternal is all I have ever known so it’s a bit difficult to accept for me. It’s a little hard to explain, but even though we knew it was the right decision to make, I still struggled with it in my heart.
Yesterday evening, Fibromyalgia began to get the best of me. My joints ached. My muscles were sore as though I had rigorously worked out the day before, which I hadn’t — I actually haven’t worked out in a while. By the time we went to bed, I had to take some pain medication. I finally fell asleep and woke up at 2:48 this afternoon. I sat up in bed and the peace I’d been looking for finally resonated with me. I mentioned before that a lot of the choice we made was based on my physical challenges and how much more profound they’ve become over the last couple of years. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to take care of an infant seven or eight years from now. The last 24 hours have validated those fears. I can’t imagine having to wake up this morning with a baby that needed me for nourishment, comfort, etc.
The more I think about the fact that this is a done deal, I’m thankful and I see that it is a blessing. We can continue to focus our energy on raising the children we have without any worries that we may end up with an unexpected pregnancy in the future. Barry and I can enjoy one another more as our children grow up and await the day we become grandparents so that we can spoil our babies’ babies and and support our children by giving them the wisdom we gained through parenting them over the years. Barry and I never had a time between adolescence and parenthood where we could be ourselves and live life without cares. We never got the chance to travel without worrying about whether our children would get sick or miss us.
As our children get older, we can begin to experience those things without the possibility of starting over with another baby. We can start being a bit selfish, doing things alone as our kids start doing things with their friends. We can start more defined planning for the future, knowing exactly what to contribute to our children’s college funds, how much to save for vehicles, and when to plan for vacations without having the expense of any new additions to our family. I’m starting to see the next phase of our life together — the same responsibilities and concerns as parents but without the stresses that come from having to focus so much on such dependent-aged babies. Even Zoe at this point is midway between 3 and 4 and is extremely independent, loving to do things by herself and for herself.
What was just a few weeks ago viewed as a sad, difficult decision is now transforming into one that will lead us into a time of our life where we will experience more freedom, stability, and preparation. I am looking forward to a bright future for my husband and I, our five children, and my two stepsons… as no matter how big they get, these will always be the only little ones involved in the life I chronicle here on iHeart7.
2012: Resolutions For the New Year
Resolutions are nothing unless they are remembered, implemented, and focused on throughout the year, which is where I typically fail — it’s not a lack of intention, but rather a lack of follow-through. This year, I am going to come up with a system of holding MYSELF accountable. I’m not yet sure what that will entail, but I’ll be sure to come up with something within the next couple of days whether it be reminders from my calendar, a buddy system, or post it notes on my bathroom mirror. I’m one of those people who gets high off of checking a box off of a list, so I may use my ToDoist app/extension to keep me on track.
Change is good, especially when those changes support redirecting your attention to the things you view in life as being most important. Waiting for an entire year to pass before you make needed changes is pretty stupid, but it is what it is and another year has passed by so I may as well start fresh for 2012.
- I will be more active at the kids’ schools. It has always been my goal to be very involved, but the more I take on, the less I live up to that and this year that has got to change. I am resolving to make myself more available even if it is simply to visit one of their classrooms every week on a rotating basis.
- I will not bite off more than I can chew. Period.
- I will not continue to put off medical treatment for Fibromyalgia. I am going to call the specialist my doctor referred me to on Tuesday and make an appointment — hopefully for a day before Barry goes back offshore. If they prescribe medication, I will at least try it.
- I will do something for myself every day.
- I will do something for someone else every day.
- I will think before I speak, think before I act, and consider very carefully what I say, “Yes,” to, especially with regards to business proposals.
- I will regularly and continuously evaluate where I am and make adjustments accordingly. Every aspect of my life needs to be in balance, which requires that I be constantly aware of the status of each area my focus is attached to.
It has taken me a few days to really consider what is most important and what I found myself doing wrong last year… well, not necessarily wrong, but what I either did or did not do which resulted in me becoming hindered or overwhelmed. My overall goal is to use these resolutions to balance my time more efficiently and focus on what is most important in my life.
I could type out a list of resolutions about going after my dreams, taking chances, seizing opportunities, but I believe that if I am successful in all the things I listed above, I will be more apt to let the chips fall where they may… and trust God to orchestrate events that guide me into His divine purpose for me this year.
What I have already done to prepare for implementing these changes:
- I emailed the kids’ teachers requesting days/times that are best for visiting their classrooms. I plan to alternate between visiting the classroom and having lunch with each of the kids at school.
- I took nearly two weeks off work to regroup, rest, and get myself organized. I restructured my business pricing schedule and am being more considerate of my own time and my own worth when preparing clients’ project proposals.
- I called to make an appointment with the specialist I’ve been putting off since my primary physician referred me. Unfortunately, my doctor was out of the office and I can’t find the referral paper she gave me so I will have to actually MAKE the appointment after I get in touch with her to get the name of the specialist.
- I’ve been watching one movie every evening with my husband for the last week or so– something I don’t normally do because for some reason I make myself feel guilty that I’m not working on something productive.
- I’ve been more aware of what’s going on with other people so that I am able to make more of an effort to show a genuine interest in the lives of others rather than simply engaging in idle, meaningless chat.
- I’ve been careful about what inquiries I’ve pounced on and am not overbooking my work schedule to work in new or existing clients’ projects.
- I am getting more sleep, extending myself less, and am consciously maintaining my focus and priority order.
What are you doing to support self-improvement this year?
Mamavation Monday: I’m Down 2.4 Pounds! #NaBloPoMo
It’s been two weeks since my initial “back in the saddle” Mamavation post…
and I’ve gone from 163.4 to 161.0 which makes me ecstatic :)
I’ve yet to get a tape measure because I never think about it until I’m ready to do one of these posts, but I’m adding to my Out of Milk app right now so I remember on my next trip to Walmart and hopefully by week four, I’ll have some measurements for ya! I’m using the Simple Weight Recorder app (see the screen shot to the right?) from the Android market to track my progress (I’ve actually been using it since just before Christmas last year) which has awesome analytical features.
Anyway, back to my happy dance… *I lost two.point.four poudsssss* which makes me happy. I want to be back down to 153 (where I was when we moved to Georiga 4.5 months ago) by the end of the year and right now I’m only 8 pounds from there. Oh how sweet it would be to beat that goal! I’m taking my treadmill for a spin twice a day from now until December 31st and see how that does me. I’m praying it helps with the horrible Fibromyalgia symptoms I’ve been having as well.
I just found out a few weeks ago that I’m actually an inch shorter than I’ve thought I was throughout my entire adult life (or either I’m shrinking)… Either way, that means that instead of needing to get to 145 to get in a ‘normal’ BMI range, I now have to hit 140. Oh, yay. That’s all I have to report this week.
#NaBloPoMo:
For the entire month of November, I’m participating in National Blog Posting Month. Read more —>
Self-Reflection: Diary of Self Improvement
There is strength in knowing your weaknesses and there is wisdom in exposing your flaws. I think self-reflection is a process that is never ending and helps people to grow within themselves, knowing who they are separate from the world around them. The problem is that reflecting on who you are and what areas you need to focus your efforts on to change is a useless waste of energy if you don’t use it to actually change. This past summer, I wrote an article called Finding Me in which I wrote:
Normally I don’t feel “right” unless I’m multitasking, running around doing ten different things, and patting myself on the back for my accomplishments, but I’m starting to feel like with my mind always being focused on several different things at once, the more those things pull, the less I’m able to hold it all together. I don’t like the juggling act. I don’t want to keep having to throw everything back up as soon as it hits my hand just so I can catch something else. I want to be able to hold on to some things for a while… enjoy them. I don’t feel like I’m GENUINELY involved in anything because I’m GENERALLY involved in everything.
Despite my intentions, not much has changed since then. I keep waiting for a stopping or at least slowing down point which never seems to come. The thing that has changed, however, is the way I feel about that… Giving of myself is something I do well. It’s a gift that not everyone has and even though I admit I don’t always like the juggling act, I do appreciate that I’m in demand — my abilities are valuable to others. I’m developing better strategies to ensure that my time isn’t being sucked away fleetingly without good cause and that I have time for myself but those strategies will be ever-evolving to accommodate my growing business and my family’s dynamic needs.
Sometimes your greatest improvements aren’t changes at all, but rather rearrangements of your existing setup and restructuring to achieve more balance. That’s where I am… I haven’t let anything go, but I’m learning to spread it all out in all the places where I used to just pile it all up. :) In addition to that, I’ve also been able to accept that I can’t do everything on my own so I’ve hired one part time assistant for my design business and contracted a cleaning service to get my house in order at the end of every week. And now? I have more time to enjoy life, relishing all the little moments — like these:
#NaBloPoMo:
For the entire month of November, I’m participating in National Blog Posting Month. Read more —>
PLEASE GO VOTE FOR ME NOW! {Ends at noon EST tomorrow!}
A quote I wrote a few years ago keeps echoing in my head — “Nothing great comes all good.” Well this is one of those potentially great things that could be going a little better at the moment ;) Yesterday morning I woke up and set out toward the city (Atlanta) confident that I’d be coming home from the 11Alive studio with a VIP Pass from NBC for The Voice’s audition that I’m already registered for Friday. However, as fate would have it, the judges didn’t select me as one of the first four to receive a pass which means that in order to win the fifth and FINAL pass, I have to win first place out of the remaining top 7 finalists.
If you’ve already voted, I SO appreciate your love and support… and THANK YOU!! If you haven’t, then pretty please go vote for me to get the last VIP Pass for the Atlanta audition! You can vote once per day per computer. It will put me at the front of the line with a guaranteed audition in front of the judges!!! Did I mention PLEAAAASE? If you can, please also share the link below with your friends on Twitter, Facebook, your blog, through email, etc and try to get them to vote as well. I am in 4th place which is really disappointing since I was in 1st this morning!! Voting ends at noon EST tomorrow so please HURRY and try to get me back to the top!!!
http://11alive.com/thevoice
Lots of Updates, But Mainly: We’ve Moved & I’m Gonna Be A Star… ;)
My blog has been so neglected. It’s been over a month since I actually blogged! There has been so much going on and I apologize for totally disappearing ;) But I’m baccccckkk!! Since I sang on the Today Show and decided to participate in The Voice and American Idol auditions this year, a few things have changed. First of all, let me just say that I look freaking hott!!! I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds this year and I’m not shy about how fabulous I look and feel. So, before I get into all my updates, let me just show you me:
Ok, now back to the updates: Number one, I won’t be doing the American Idol auditions this year… not because I don’t want to but because instead of being a 6.5 hour drive, Houston is now a 14 hour drive. Why? Because we’ve moved to Georgia.
Yes, Georgia.
Let me tell you how that came about. It’s actually a very short and quite funny story. We were sitting around talking about how absolutely sick of being in Hattiesburg we were… and after having a short conversation with a record producer from D.C. I was pretty convinced that in order to truly pursue my music career, I’d either need to be in L.A., NYC, or Atlanta so we did what anyone in my shoes would do. Barry bought me a Yukon XL, we found a house (with help from two of our amazing friends), packed up, and moved within 6 days. Ok, so maybe not everyone would have done that but when we know what we want we go after it. Sitting around waiting won’t get you anywhere. You gotta move. So… move, we did. We had to move before Barry left to go back offshore because there’s no way I’m going to do all of that by myself and it was literally a “now or never” because once school started, I wasn’t uprooting the kids and making them transfer.
So we’ve been here in our new home for almost two weeks and we absolutely LOVE it.
I’m still auditioning for The Voice in Atlanta (duh) and I actually just entered a contest through one of the local news stations that could possibly score me a VIP pass to be at the front of the line for next Friday’s audition which is sweeeeeet — because, I mean, who wants to audition in front of judges whose ears are probably already bleeding from hearing like 3,000 people (half of which are probably tone-deaf) sing? I may need you guys to vote for me between Tuesday and Wednesday of next week so keep an eye open for updates on the competition.
Barry flew back out to go offshore this afternoon so he’s totally dodging all of the upcoming chaos-packed bullets. Well, I suppose he’s working a little harder than I am. But still. This is going to be the busiest two weeks I’ve had in a very long time… I have doctor’s appointments with the kids EVERY DAY starting tomorrow until Wednesday of next week (TWO appointments on Tuesday) — keep in mind that if I’m chosen by the contest judges for the news station, I’ll have to travel to the city on Wednesday as well — and then Thursday I have appointments AGAIN at BOTH of the schools to get the rest of their information turned in to complete registration. Friday, The Voice audition. Saturday, school clothes shopping. And? All of this is with ALL 5 kids going with me BY MYSELF. Then? After the kids start school that following Monday, Zoe has doctor and dentist appointments that Tuesday and Wednesday. Lord help me! LOL
No, really, I love this stuff. I honestly cannot complain… I love that my children are all still at ages where they need me. I know that it won’t be long before they start to want to alienate me and become independent and begin to develop a life that doesn’t completely involve me anymore so I’m enjoying being a vast part of their lives while I can. And doing all of that while still chasing this big dream of mine? Priceless!!! So that’s what I’m up to. I love that you guys are still on this crazy ride called LIFE with me. You all keeping me company on my journey is super-empowering and I appreciate all my readers, friends, and supporters more than you’ll ever know!
The Voice AND American Idol, Here I Come…
My Today Show experience over the first half of this month has really made me realize how much I still want to make a career out of this voice of mine. Over the years, I settled into being mommy and wifey and I just resigned myself to the reality that it would never happen. I had chosen another path and those dreams just sort of died as I believed YouTube would be the only way I’d ever be able to share my gift of song with anyone else. Then Vivian called and told me that this voice was being flown to New York because they loved it… and those dormant dreams were revived.
My mom, bless her heart, always has the same thing to say when someone asks her about how long I’ve been singing and where I got my style from… My step dad asked her a few weeks ago when all this Today Show business began and she told him, “I don’t know. Not from me. I never could do any of that stuff she does. All I know is since she was three years old and learned that her voice would make notes, she’s been belting it out. She never did sound like a typical little white girl. Even that young, she sang with so much soul.” LOL She jokes about that being her first clue that God made me for a black man ;) … and well, I was after all haha
All jokes aside though, I honestly felt like if I pursued my dreams or even really converted those dreams into goals that I would be somewhat abandoning my purpose as it relates to my family. I’m a mom… I’m not supposed to be dreaming for myself, am I? I’m supposed to be dreaming for my kids now, right? At least that is what my mind kept telling me as I drifted further and further away from the thought of even trying to seek out my own ambitions, or at least the ones that would possibly mean I couldn’t spend every moment with them.
As I started entertaining the idea of auditioning for American Idol and/or The Voice this year, those same thoughts started to creep back in until I remembered the text messages I exchanged with my oldest daughter, Briyana, while I was in New York last week:
I’m realizing that while I know my kids love me and want to be with me, they’re fine when I’m gone. Even our toddler was perfectly content… she didn’t cry at all. I talked it out with my husband and he fully supports whatever I choose to do. He said it’s no different than when he played football. I supported him and took care of the kids while he was gone… his schedule has changed so from now on he will be home for a month instead of just two weeks and he said if I get selected by one of the shows and happen to be away when he has to be offshore we will work it out to make arrangements for the kids. We have enough family around us for it to not be an issue.
So, with all that being said, on August 6th I will be in Atlanta auditioning for The Voice. On August 26th, I will be in Houston auditioning for American Idol. We’ll just see what unfolds after that point and in the meantime, Barry is going to start purchasing studio time for me to put together my demo. I don’t know if I’ll ever be on Alicia Keys’ level… but if I don’t, it won’t be for a lack of effort. :) I’m excited to be able to really put my heart on my sleeve and admit exactly how much this all means to me. I want it so bad I can taste it. I can feel the heat from the stage lights on my skin. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my body. I can smell my success in the air. I can hear the echo of whistles and chants and cheers. I can already see my name in lights.
It was a smothering feeling to hold back what I want out of my life. I was afraid before to look like a fool, but you know what? Only a fool hides their dreams out of fear. No one should ever be afraid to dream… nor should anyone be afraid of what people will say about them for being a dreamer. Beyonce dreamed. Yolanda Adams dreamed. Etta James dreamed. Joss Stone dreamed. Jennifer Hudson dreamed. Then one day they looked up, and someone was running in their direction with a paper and pen in hand asking for an autograph and I’m sure their initial reaction was, “Who me?” I’m not scared to dream anymore. I’m dreaming big, and I plan on going places. Everything I’ve ever achieved in my life was against all odds. I’ll be damned if I stop being an overcomer today.
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