Sometimes I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could NOT care. Most people seem to wake up and wonder what they can do to improve their life… what they can do to reach a goal, expand their business, make some money. Most people seem to be able to focus on one thing. Me? Nah. I wake up and apparently I’m like WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD TODAY?! And then I get an overwhelming compulsion to do *something* even when it’s one of those days I don’t even know where to start, what to do. And something leads to everything and then the entire day is gone, I’ve worked my ass off for the greater good in ways most people will never know or see, and I pour myself into bed in the wee hours of the morning trying to figure out what exactly I accomplished in the 19 hours I was awake.
I care. And caring is hard sometimes.
It’s draining. It’s emotionally exhausting. It all just makes me want to cry. So I do. I cry for humanity. I cry for the lack of humanity. I cry out of frustration. I cry because I feel helpless. Hopeless. I cry because so many people are hurting. So many people are being hurt just because they were born as themselves. I cry because I can see it all. And it’s ugly. And too many people don’t get it. I cry because the world is a mean, hateful place. I cry because it’s also a beautiful, lovely place and sometimes I can’t see the good for all the bad… And I cry because I have the option of ignoring the bad for the sake of enjoying the good – and so many people don’t have that option.
I cry because I’m a fucking crybaby and sometimes – like tonight – I get overwhelmed. I just want to make a difference. I just want humans to be treated like humans. I cry because I care… I lose sleep because I care. I work for free because I care. I lose friends because I care. I shut down because I care. I cry because I want to give up and I can’t.
And right now? Right now, I cry because even though I feel like I may never actually make a difference, I still need to.