I’m drowning and the lifeguard doesn’t even see me. Someone send help…
Life is just an ambiguous collection of truths that mean something different to each individual experiencing it. There’s no standard of measure. There’s no qualifying factor. You’re given a life composed of uncontrollable circumstances, told the stakes are equal when the chips are really stacked against us all, and sent out to make your life mean something. But riddle me this… how the hell are you supposed to decide exactly what meaning your life should have? What happens – do you just fall into the first sinkhole you come to and claim that existence? Do you accept what’s assigned to you?
People say to make your own way… Ok, got it. I’ve used every talent I have. I’ve built something with every ability, every workable bit of knowledge, and every expertise I’ve gained combined with all of my personal resources and guess what I’ve come up with?
Time. That’s it.
Time that has come and gone and I didn’t even notice it because I’ve been nose-deep in a bunch of useless ambition that costs me emotionally nearly as much as it benefits me tangibly. It is empty effort. I’ve sown into the lives of many… and taken from my own soil to harvest in other gardens, which gives me great joy, but all in all what does it mean?
After spending most of my life like every good and proper wife/mother, giving myself away, I’ve spent 2 years trying to figure out who I am and as I lay down to sleep tonight, already deprived and with not enough hours to even make it sufficiently restful, I still just feel like I’m only a part of myself. Something is missing. I can’t find it. I don’t know what it is.
I feel so conflicted because despite somehow feeling like a stranger in my own life, I love me. I like me. I’m bubbly and friendly and successful. I’m sexy and intelligent and confident. I’m passionate and empathetic. But I feel trapped. Stuck. I feel like something in my life has been misplaced.
I’m tired and I just want my mind to rest. I want my brain to give me a break. I want to not feel this way, but I don’t know how. How can one life have so much space but be so crowded? So full and yet somehow simultaneously empty? So much purpose but no real meaning? I saw a quote that read, “I don’t want to live just the length of life – I want to live the width of it as well.” I disagree. I feel like I am all over the grid in this life. Like a game of Battleship with random pegs of mine stuck everywhere, but hitting nothing. I just want one set of distinct coordinates. I want to know where that one set of lines intersect that will allow me to find SOMETHING that will add some reason, or some clarity, to what I’ve never been able to determine is missing.
Ignoring it is as effective as hitting snooze on a clock. I can sleep on it for a little while, but eventually it’s blaring right in my face again…