The simplest things make me reflect on life on a grand scale and I end up getting so deep into one thought that it takes on a life all itself. The last couple of years have been mostly about finding myself. Who is Kat? What does she like? What does she want? What defines her OUTSIDE of all the roles and characters she plays to everyone who needs her to be something to them? What is Kat about when she’s not mothering? What is Kat about when she’s not businessing? What is Kat about when she’s not wife-ing? What is Kat about all on her own without anyone else’s presuppositions, past memories, expectations, needs, and influences?
The fact is, my whole life I’ve tried proving that becoming a teen mother three-times-over didn’t ruin me – didn’t trap me – didn’t limit me. I’ve spent all of these years trying to be EVERYTHING. Trying to do EVERYTHING. I’ve given all of myself so that people would be in awe of everything I accomplished DESPITE being married and having three children by the time I was 20… despite having an additional two by the time I was 25. But the truth is, after all of this time – after growing up and looking back I’ve realized that I’ve proven myself in more ways than I ever imagined. And I don’t even care. I used to take SUCH pride in people being amazed at my story… and now, people ask me how I’ve done so much and I don’t even try to soak up the accolades – I just say I’ve got no idea. Because I’ve spent my whole life proving myself only to find that the only thing I am now is just spent.
I’m spent on trying to give 110%. I’m spent on trying to be everything. I’m spent on trying to impress people. I’m spent on fitting a mold. I’m spent. I never had fun before I decided that this is MY LIFE. I never lived before last year. I just existed FOR everyone else. So people may look at me weird when I say what’s on my mind or when I impulsively dye my hair burgundy or pink or grow it long just to cut it all off without warning. People may look at me weird when I start to slack … but I am just trying to be able to look in the mirror and recognize MYSELF. Not through my kids’ eyes, not through my husband’s eyes, not through my clients’ eyes, but through my own. And when I do things that are genuinely ME, that’s my way of helping everyone else to see me through MY lens rather than the one they’ve fabricated to warp me into their vision of what I need to be.
Sophisticated, classy, bold, dramatic, shy, timid, over the top, level-headed, loud, full of dreams, mature, fun, moody, classic Kat – the walking paradox that will do anything for anyone, but has learned to live my her own rules… no matter what color my hair might be today ;)