Who I Am… Identity Crisis, Part 2

A few months ago, I turned 30 and I felt like I was having a little bit of an identity crisis <— You can click that link to read about that experience. Sometimes even though I’m very much set in who I am, even I need a reminder of who that is. This is a little of what I’ve learned about myself through this process of “finding me” — the journey that I embarked on at the beginning of this year…

By nature, I don’t like to disappoint people. From birth, I have always been someone who works hard and is driven by ambition. I take pride in my business and I’m practical. I don’t care about showing out and am not motivated by who might be impressed by me – I’m objective and I’m cautious. I’m also pretty stubborn and I can do a good job of sticking my foot in my mouth. Even so, I’m still the type that is loyal and honest to a fault and I know that if I weren’t me, I would want me in my corner because I can also be relentless. ;)

I don’t get “nasty” competitive, but I am “friendly” competitive and when it comes down to the wire, I do push to win, whatever I consider “winning” to be… My definition of winning isn’t your typical definition though… I like to be on top on my own terms and I don’t play the game most people play in regards to wanting to be better than the next person. Most of my competitive nature is against MYSELF. My today self wants to be better than my yesterday self and I don’t care what the next person is doing or where they’re going or if they’re doing better than me. I take pride in my reputation and making a positive name for myself — I know who I am and I like me. Because of that confidence, some may think I come across as a little nonchalant or egotistical.

I’m a little shy, believe it or not, but it doesn’t take much for me to warm up to people. I’m detail oriented and I’m a thinker. There is always something going on in my head — always a conversation taking place. I’m always contemplating, always analyzing, always wondering. As a thinker, I’m also a talker — some of my best thinking is done out loud. I’m careful and I’m patient, but I’m also no-nonsense and I don’t have time for people who talk the talk but don’t want to be about anything. I’m intelligent and I know my potential. I’m mature and I don’t understand people who only have wrinkles to show for their age. Wisdom should come with experience so it misses me how anyone can grow old without growing up. I am one who tends to try to put myself into a box, even at the same time that I’m demanding others not try to make me fit the mold. I’m quite often a walking paradox and as smart as I know myself to be, sometimes even I don’t fully “get” me — I confuse myself.

I’m strong, but I’m meek. Many times, I’m misunderstood, written off, or I’m dismissed — other times, I’m shut out, talked down to, or recognized as a threat. My meek side is tender, playful, and very reflective. My strong side is bold, challenging, and very demanding. I’m not easily intimidated but I don’t like conflict. I’m a great problem-solver, but I don’t like trouble. I don’t welcome drama — I avoid it like the plague, but somehow it finds me anyway. I like my circle small, solid, and secure. I am human and I have my fears, but I would stand in front of a bullet for those that I love without flinching.

I love to dream, but I’m still a realist. I choose to see the upside even when there is a more prominent downside. When I don’t do everything expected of me to the best of my ability, it depresses me and it doesn’t take all that much for me to feel like I’ve failed. I am friendly. I’m understanding. I’m cool. I’m polite. But don’t cross me. I’m an emotional, expressive person. I wear my feelings on my sleeve especially around those with whom I feel comfortable. If I shut a person out, it’s with good reason and it is usually after a great deal of thought but with no turning back. I’m fair. I’m compassionate. I give much more than minimal benefit of the doubt. I often over-commit because I frequently find it difficult to say, “No,” and I end up spreading myself too thin. I often give too much, expect too little, and I want to understand even the things that I know will never make sense.

I’m complex, but simple. I’m high strung, yet easy going. As dynamic as my personality and character may be, I’m forever transparent, faithful, and truthful. You want my life story, I’ll likely be happy to give it to you. But sharing doesn’t mean trusting and you knowing me doesn’t necessarily mean we’re close. And on second thought, feeling like you know me doesn’t necessarily mean you know me. I decided months ago that no matter how I feel at any given moment and no matter how anyone may feel about me, the decisions I make, or the company I keep, I don’t plan to feel inadequate regarding who I am or guilty for the choices I make.

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