Life’s thinkers tell us that we can’t control many of the extrinsic forces we encounter. We can’t always effect change in the world and those around us – change starts within. We can’t change others – we can’t control their thoughts, their reactions, their ways. We can only control change the way we think, our own reactions. So where does that leave a person when there is no desire to manipulate extrinsic forces by changing from within? What happens when something needs to change but the bending has warped the frame and weakened the personal constitution so much that any more compromises change the structure entirely — any more changes that start from within ultimately will create a new being. I don’t want to be changed. So what happens when those who share your personal world don’t want to be changed either?
What happens when you try so hard to find yourself – to be yourself – to be comfortable with yourself but then you realize that there are still those instances where you don’t feel comfortable saying what’s on your mind… where you don’t feel valued as a thinker? What do you do when you feel paralyzed by not knowing or understanding the extrinsic forces — when you decide in your heart that you can’t continue to compromise your comfort out of fear of the response you’ll get? How can you be settled knowing that remaining silent will bring the same level of discomfort as speaking up? Sometimes I just get tired. I get tired of caring about others’ responses. I get tired of avoiding discussions. I get tired of just going along… of being made to feel that who I am and how I go about my way isn’t acceptable.
I’m a thinker. I’m a be-er. I’m a do-er. I’m opinionated, respectfully. I have suggestions and ideas and they aren’t always the best or the brightest but they are mine and I believe I should be able to expect those who share my personal world to receive them with consideration even if they have different or even better opinions, plans, suggestions or ideas… I get tired of being discounted. I get tired of feeling like I’m doing it all wrong.
I’m doing it all ME. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I will expect those who share my personal world to receive me with consideration. I will not compromise that expectation. I will not settle myself into verbal paralysis. I will not decide that it is acceptable for my thoughts to be devalued. I will be comfortable saying no — just as comfortable as others seem to be in doing the same. I will feel comfortable expecting those who share my personal world to respect me as an individual and not just as the part of their life I fit into. I fight hard but I love harder … at the end of the day, all of this is just thinking. I’m just being.
I wasn’t wired to be an eggshell-walker. Life’s thinkers may be correct in that we can’t always effect change in the world and those around us, but I can prevent the world and those who share my personal world from forcing change in me. I like the me that I am… and if you choose to share my space, you should like me the way that I am. And if, by chance, I happen to change along the way, you should want to know the new me and you should like me just the way I become, too.