A couple of weeks ago I shared my feelings on our decision to not have any more children… realizing that I will never again be called “Mommy” for the first time was a bit difficult. Yesterday, Barry had the procedure done and the finality of it set in with me. :( Maybe I’m crazy – we do have five kids already but for me, it’s bittersweet. I honestly don’t see wanting more kids but if I ever do, I can’t! I’ve been “Mommy” since I was 17. Being maternal is all I have ever known so it’s a bit difficult to accept for me. It’s a little hard to explain, but even though we knew it was the right decision to make, I still struggled with it in my heart.
Yesterday evening, Fibromyalgia began to get the best of me. My joints ached. My muscles were sore as though I had rigorously worked out the day before, which I hadn’t — I actually haven’t worked out in a while. By the time we went to bed, I had to take some pain medication. I finally fell asleep and woke up at 2:48 this afternoon. I sat up in bed and the peace I’d been looking for finally resonated with me. I mentioned before that a lot of the choice we made was based on my physical challenges and how much more profound they’ve become over the last couple of years. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to take care of an infant seven or eight years from now. The last 24 hours have validated those fears. I can’t imagine having to wake up this morning with a baby that needed me for nourishment, comfort, etc.
The more I think about the fact that this is a done deal, I’m thankful and I see that it is a blessing. We can continue to focus our energy on raising the children we have without any worries that we may end up with an unexpected pregnancy in the future. Barry and I can enjoy one another more as our children grow up and await the day we become grandparents so that we can spoil our babies’ babies and and support our children by giving them the wisdom we gained through parenting them over the years. Barry and I never had a time between adolescence and parenthood where we could be ourselves and live life without cares. We never got the chance to travel without worrying about whether our children would get sick or miss us.
As our children get older, we can begin to experience those things without the possibility of starting over with another baby. We can start being a bit selfish, doing things alone as our kids start doing things with their friends. We can start more defined planning for the future, knowing exactly what to contribute to our children’s college funds, how much to save for vehicles, and when to plan for vacations without having the expense of any new additions to our family. I’m starting to see the next phase of our life together — the same responsibilities and concerns as parents but without the stresses that come from having to focus so much on such dependent-aged babies. Even Zoe at this point is midway between 3 and 4 and is extremely independent, loving to do things by herself and for herself.
What was just a few weeks ago viewed as a sad, difficult decision is now transforming into one that will lead us into a time of our life where we will experience more freedom, stability, and preparation. I am looking forward to a bright future for my husband and I, our five children, and my two stepsons… as no matter how big they get, these will always be the only little ones involved in the life I chronicle here on iHeart7.