Overwhelmed would be a good description of how I’ve been feeling lately. 2011 has definitely been our year… I feel like we’re coming into our season and God is allowing us to start seeing the fruit of our labor. It’s difficult to explain how I feel, or why I feel like I’ve somewhat lost a part of myself but being pulled in so many directions and trying to keep up with everything is just wearing me out. I am starting to feel out of place, despite this being the happiest and most complete I’ve ever been. I’ve been a walking paradox for most of my life, but lately it just weighs heavily on me. Who am I… without all the roles?
I’ve always had a tendency to define myself by what I am to everyone else. Yes, I know who I am to my kids. I know who I am to my husband. I know who I am to my mom, to my friends, to my clients… But who am I to me? What do I really want to get out of this life that God gave me? Even more importantly, what am I supposed to put into it? Ultimately, I want to find and fulfill my purpose in Him, but what is that? Everything I’m doing just feels empty, which leads me to believe there are a lot of things I can be — or perhaps should be — cutting out of my life. But what?
Normally I don’t feel “right” unless I’m multitasking, running around doing ten different things, and patting myself on the back for my accomplishments, but I’m starting to feel like with my mind always being focused on several different things at once, the more those things pull, the less I’m able to hold it all together. I don’t like the juggling act. I don’t want to keep having to throw everything back up as soon as it hits my hand just so I can catch something else. I want to be able to hold on to some things for a while… enjoy them. I don’t feel like I’m GENUINELY involved in anything because I’m GENERALLY involved in everything.
All of this gives me a lost sense. I ask myself where did Kat the poet go? Where did Kat the writer go? Where did Kat the prayer warrior go? Where did Kat go, period? I’ve got books I’ve been writing since 2003 and I’m not even halfway finished. I have songs in my heart that haven’t even made it on paper. I have thoughts in my head that I’m hardly even able to complete, plans I haven’t finished making, and goals I forget about before I even really establish them. Something is horribly wrong with this picture. I used to think I wanted to have it all — not tangibly, but in life in general. I wanted to be able to make something of everything… now I just want to make everything of something.
I want to know who I am. I had my oldest child when I was 17, got married at 18, started college at 19, graduated and went to work as an accountant, quit and went to work for myself so I could be at home with my kids… now, here I am 28 years old and my whole adult life has been spent being everything to other people and nothing to myself. I’m praying for answers here – hoping I can figure out where I’m supposed to be in my life, what I’m supposed to be doing, and why nothing I’m doing seems at all important anymore. There is more to life than this, and I want to find that thing that makes me feel full again… I know it’s somewhere within me; the problem is bringing it to the surface and pulling it out…
This is excellent, Kat. That you’re starting to think about you. My mom was just saying this recently about herself. She said she doesn’t want to just dabble in the things she loves, she wants to devote uninterrupted time to those things.
“where I’m supposed to be in my life, what I’m supposed to be doing, and why nothing I’m doing seems at all important anymore. There is more to life than this, and I want to find that thing that makes me feel full again”
Now you have me thinking of these things for myself.
Thank YOU!
Read Laura @ GotChocolate´s last post ..WINNER! Lindt ‘Classic Recipes’ Milk Chocolate and Hazelnut Bars
Thanks Laura :) I have a hard time when I don’t feel content… it doesn’t take much to make/keep me happy so when I feel as though I’m lost it is a big deal to me. I just want the most out of my life and I don’t want to waste time waiting on pieces of the puzzle. I think it is important to know who I am and at this point, I feel that I can’t be all that I need to be to anyone else until I find me.
This should make us all stop. Ponder. Reflect. Question. Which is why your putting it down in writing is not only good for your soul but for others. You’ll find IT. You’re on your way. And now you’re helping others, like me, who certainly feel similar. And darlin’ I have (nearly) a few decades on you :-) I better figure IT out -quick.
Read Rajean´s last post ..rajean- How fun for her RT @denverparent A very excited 4th grader’s interview w- Judy Moody author Megan McDonald http-nblogs-iURxJ
haha Well let’s make a commitment to ourselves to do some serious soul searching… figure out how to give to ourselves here and there to balance things out ;)
Maybe your purpose for now is to be just who you are to everyone else. When years have gone by an you look back I think you will realize just how much you have accomplished for yourself unknowingly.A wonderful marriage,grown an productive children, a career that some could never dream of. A devoted friend,caring sibling,loving daughter. These are just some of life’s fruits.Maybe you were meant to be the person whom could only lend an ear,or hand but because of that it made a remarkable difference in someones life,maybe even your own.Sometimes I think in the search for more for ones TRUE self we end up missing whom we were really meant to be. Just my thoughts looking from the outside in. God has blessed you beyond some an maybe not as much as others. But he made you to be just who you are. God bless an keep the faith………….
I’m not saying I want to exchange one for the other. I could never stop being everything I am to everyone else… but at the same time, I need proper balance because I’m losing sight of myself in the process. I can’t stop occupying most of the roles I’ve taken up, but I can focus more on myself than I do now so that I don’t lose me to it all. One day my children will be grown and I don’t want to be that person that finds herself completely lost because she gave everything to people who eventually won’t need her so much anymore, you know? I’ve got to save something for me… find and preserve my own identity independent of anyone else.
I do understand that you need to find that part of you that is not fulfilled. I think we need to do that from time to time. I just never want someone to over look the things they have already done so well.Remember that god has given us a mind to think an reason, an the cravings we have to be a whole person. So he to shall help find that piece to your puzzle. I for one look forward to all an anything else that comes from your way. I think you are an amazing an talented person whom inspires others so well.
Thanks so much Wendy :) I appreciate your kind words!!!
Beautifully written…I feel the same way! I have so much I want for myself personally but can’t seem to go anywhere. My days are filled with doing for others (mainly my kids), and I am fine with that. I know one day they’ll be gone and I’ll miss it all. But I need something that’s personally fulfilling..that separates me from “mom” or “wife” or “stay-at-home-mom”.
Exactly. I love — and would not dream of compromising — what I do and what I am for and to my family but I need to preserve my individual identity without it always depending on the roles I play in their worlds, ya know :)