How NOT To Parent Your Children

Parenting is hard work… I’m sure every parent in the world will agree with that. It’s the hardest role to take on no matter who you are or where you are from! What makes it even harder is when you have parents who just do not have any idea what is or is not appropriate for a young child to be exposed to, what type of behaviors are or are not acceptable, and when discipline/punishment is necessary. The utmost concern every parent should have is for the things their child is around — I’m strict about what my kids watch, what they listen to, who they are around, and as such I am JUST as strict in my own life about those things because my children will see much of what I see and they will know most of what I do. You can’t expect what you say to hold more weight than what you LIVE. It won’t.

Raising children is MUCH more than making sure they are fed, clothed, have shelter, proper education, and transportation. In all actuality, there are children whose basic physical needs may not always be met due to unfortunate circumstances but that turn out to be more well-rounded than those children whose needs ARE consistently met because of the intangible gifts their parents gave them, like values, morals, manners, and examples of decency, generosity, and integrity. Raise your kids!! I’m so tired of hearing parents making excuses for the way their children behave. Undisciplined children become uncontrollable adolescents. Uncontrollable adolescents end up being the adults that populate our prisons and comprise our nation’s crime rate!

You cannot allow a child to dictate to you what is or is not appropriate. When they act up, consequences should be enforced STRICTLY and consistently! The law doesn’t care if an adult is sorry for what they did. You can’t teach children that they can manipulate consequences with remorse! My kids know better than to disrespect, disobey, or act a fool because there will be consequences no matter how much they whine or beg and regardless of anything they try to do to make up for their wrongs! Parents need to realize that WE set the course of our children’s lives by TEACHING them good values from the start… or by not doing so.

If you don’t raise your child to be well-disciplined & respect authority, don’t be surprised when their defiance gets out of control… and the expectations shouldn’t just cover the realm of behavior. Standards should be set for grades and personal responsibility/accountability as well. On Facebook recently, I commented on a status that begged the following question:

Parents:

Does a child with the following grades deserve to get a dress, shoes, hair and make-up for a ball: 75 87 68 62 83 60 and 67 ? Am I being fair to say No because I feel like those grades are not acceptable?

I commented in response:

I don’t play with mine about grades. At all. I fully expect them to maintain at LEAST A/B honor roll, preferably all A’s. I’m probably a grade Nazi LOL Once they fall off of A/B honor roll, their privileges are affected. With all of those grades you listed being below 90, I wouldn’t be buying a doggone thing. You are being MORE than fair just considering it! Children have to understand that education is of the utmost importance and if they don’t take it seriously, there will be unpleasant results. One thing I’m confident about is that they will thank me for it later and that’s consolation enough for me even if they do get pissed off about it now ;)

To provide a personal example, my son (who is an A/B honor roll student just like all three of my school-aged girls) brought home grades for daily class work of 20, 40, and 60. I confronted him about the lack of the application of intelligence that was reflected in those grades, because I know with him maintaining an A/B average he is capable of at least a 90 on all of his work. His response: “It’s not a test, so it won’t mess my grades up.” Why did he say that? That excuse caused him to have to switch bedrooms so that he no longer had a television to watch and he lost his video game privileges until progress reports came out; he also was required to show me all of his daily grades on which he was expected to score at least a B in order to be relieved of his punishment.

I’m sure you all can imagine how much he whined and pleaded to stay in his room (he had the big room) and promised he would make good grades. That didn’t fix the problem though. All the begging in the world wouldn’t change those three grades, but knowing there would be consequences for not doing his best would ensure that he wouldn’t be bringing home those kind of grades again. Another example, also using my son, is the fact that for three days I had to constantly remind Tre of things I had told him to do and his chores were not done satisfactorily. The video game he had been waiting to get the following Friday was the privilege he lost. He whined, complained, and did everything he could to make sure he could get that game on Friday. Friday rolled around and he came to me, “Mama I did all my chores and did what you told me to do without you telling me again so can I get my game?” Nope. It doesn’t work that way. I told him when he lost the privilege, he couldn’t earn it back, but if he continued to handle his responsibilities, he could possibly earn a game the next week, but if he lost the privilege again it would not even become a possibility until his father gets home. He messed up that week and he will not be getting one until his father assesses the situation at the end of the month when he comes from offshore.

For a behaviorally-based example, I will use both Tre (9 years old) and Avalyn (almost 6 years old). Briyana bought herself some candy from the store a few days ago. I always teach my children to respect others’ belongings and no matter how big or small, taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing. Zoe (my 2 year old) got Briyana’s candy and took it into the playroom where Tre and Avalyn began eating it. They ate, and ate, and ate until it was all gone. Briyana was extremely upset she had wasted her money on candy she couldn’t even eat. I asked them both if they knew it was Briyana’s candy, which they did. I then asked them if they ate it and they both admitted consuming the treats. Tre said, “Zoe brought it and gave it to us!” I told him that it wasn’t Zoe’s to give him and that receiving something that you know has been stolen isn’t any better than stealing it yourself, and that that’s the same thing Adam told God about the fruit and did that excuse work then? Nope. And it wasn’t going to work now either.

I told both of them that I was proud of them and appreciated them telling me the truth and not denying eating it, and admitting that they knew it was Briyana’s candy and not Zoe’s to give them. I told them that people won’t ever be perfect so mistakes will happen, but that people who want God to be pleased with them will admit their mistakes and accept the consequences for their actions then go on with their life knowing that they have nothing to hide. I spanked them both 7 times with the belt and told them I am not raising thieves which is exactly what they both made themselves when they took what didn’t belong to them… Every wrong a child does can be made into a valuable lesson if you take the time to do so, which you should. They felt better about themselves after telling the truth, even though they were still punished for what they did, and they learned that in life telling the truth is always the best thing to do, but it wouldn’t always get them out of trouble.

Since I know that not every parent is religious and non-religious people raise children too, I will give you a different perspective that I raise my children with as well. When I was a small child, I made many mistakes… but my mother will tell you that when confronted with them, I always admitted things that I did. She has told my children that she could always trust me when I told her I didn’t do something and that was important because I never got in trouble for things I didn’t do since she knew I would admit if I did. I teach them never to lie because when a person gets caught in just ONE lie, people will always question whether or not they are telling the truth. If people know that your word is strong, they will stand behind you if you’re wrongly accused. I explain to my kids that if they are always honest with me, they can be sure I will have their back no matter what happens in any situation but if they are caught lying to me, I will never know when they’re telling me the truth.

Integrity and honesty are important, and they are values that should be taught by example. A child’s behavior is very much dependent on the basic morals that parents instill in them from the beginning. If your child hears you making excuses for your own actions or for theirs, they will act how they want to act, then make excuses for it. If your child notices you telling people things they know aren’t true, they will do the same. If your child realizes that you will not carry through with what you tell them their consequences will be, they will start pushing more and more limits until you lose all control over them. There comes a point when every shred of respect for your authority will be gone and at that point, nothing you threaten will mean a thing to them.

Realize that all of these things will affect a child for their entire life. If they aren’t made to grasp the small concepts now, it will be much more difficult for them to get them later in life after they have developed their personality, their habits, and their overall mindset regarding their way of life. I saw a slogan once that said, “It’s easier to raise a boy than to fix a man.” That is one of my favorite quotes because it’s SO true. If you know what needs to change about your parenting style, there is no time to lose and no time like the present. Reversing the affects of irresponsible parenting is DIFFICULT but it’s not impossible — I know this because as a young parent, I have made all the mistakes in parenting that a person can make so I speak from experience, not from arrogance. If I did it all the right way, I wouldn’t know so much about the effects of the wrong way!!

Get a grip on your children NOW… TODAY and let them know from this point forward, it’s a new ball game. Be firm, and be consistent. Your impending headaches will sow seeds into the harvest of your child’s future.