I Still Cry Sometimes

With all the March Vlogging Madness going on, I haven’t done an actual blog post in quite some time. Well, tonight’s the night! I have a confession to make: There are still times when I shed tears, mourning the loss of everything I had to sacrifice in my life when we started our family so young. As everyone knows, singing has always been my passion and sometimes a little pang of depression will rear its ugly head as I wonder what could have been if I would have waited. I never even had the chance to realize my dreams, really. I mean, unless you consider one failed American Idol attempt actually getting a valid shot.

Don’t get me wrong — this is a two sided message. On one side, I am very happily married to the love of my life and if I had the chance to go back and trade this for all the dreams I had back then, I would still pick this life for me — because I already know this life. I know how perfect it has become and I know that the kind of love I share with my husband only happens once in a lifetime. There are no do-overs of something this special. I wouldn’t change one mistake either of us made. I wouldn’t modify one decision. Yes, honestly. Why? Because it all brought me to this perfect moment. I can’t put the strength of our bond into words. I just know our love is enough in itself to fill any void.

Now… on the other hand, I want better for my kids. Let’s face it — not every teen dad ends up being a “Barry” in every teen mom’s life. This life doesn’t fall in place for every young girl who thinks she’s in love. For several years, I never saw anything even remotely resembling this happiness anywhere in our horizon! Knowing what I know now and despite the decisions I made, the thought of my girls having children — having sex AT ALL for that matter — before they are married gives me stomach pains. I know how special intimacy is in marriage because I’ve experienced it. And trust me, it wasn’t what we shared before we were married!

I look back and I ask myself what I was thinking giving myself away when I didn’t even know who I was yet? What was it that made me offer myself to a young man who was undeserving and had no clear intention of being with me forever? In the most mind boggling way, we ended up being the one-in-a-million couple that actually did fall head over heels in love and will remain that way for a lifetime. Thinking about that fact makes me feel both secure and fearful at the same time. I am not sure if my girls will look at their father and say, “No man is worthy of me unless he’s a man as great as my father!” or if they will look at him and say, “Well HE stayed with my mom… maybe I will be that lucky!” I’m hoping and praying my girls are not naive enough to risk giving up so much based on a hunch.

I have to stop myself when I imagine any of my daughters looking back over their life and repeating my words. It’s too difficult for me. Perhaps every mother has been in the shoes I’m in tonight — holding onto hope that their children will remember their struggle and learn from their experiences rather than going through life the hard way, tackling lessons that have been tackled a million times before. I’m thankful my girls have a great father in their life and I’m going to make the assumption that it will make a world of difference in how they grow up as well as how they turn out. Too much of a sick feeling comes over me thinking about any of them mourning the loss of their dreams and ambitions.

I want everything for my children. I want them to grow up being only responsible to and for themselves. I want them to pursue all of their dreams to the ends of the earth. I want them to experience life and all it has to offer — the ups, downs, friendships, enemies, successes, failures, perfections, and flaws before they decide to give themselves so completely to anyone. I do realize we grow up in a time where sex is everywhere and it seems everyone is doing it either for all the wrong reasons or for no real reason at all, but despite what everyone else is doing, it is my prayer that I am raising children who will grow up unconcerned for what others think and who appreciate all the uncomfortable talks I forced them to sit through as I explained what I expect from them and the purpose God assigned to them.

In short, I am often reminded of everything I gave up to be the mother and wife that I am and I can’t say I have any regrets about that… God taught me what I know through the things He allowed in my life so I could pass on the wisdom I’ve gained to these babies He’s placed in my care… and that is exactly what I intend to do! I want the best for my children and I know the mostly-gravel road I traveled to get to this point in my life required a lot of extra gasoline, back-tracking, detours, and repairs from veering off the pavement. All I ask is that God watch over my babies so that at least their journey is made on mostly blacktop :) Then I can reserve the tears for celebrating their accomplishments instead of wondering if they are wondering what theirs could have been…