Parenting, Shared Parenting, Step Parenting {Part 1}

My experiences over the last few months since moving back to our hometown where my step children live have inspired me to share what I’ve learned about co/shared-parenting and step parenting with my readers in case any of you may be confused about your own situation. No matter what “type” of parent you are, parenting is never easy. With difficult family structures, parenting becomes even more of a challenge. Married parents often don’t see eye to eye on parenting styles and issues like discipline, schedules, routines, what is or is not appropriate, etc… it stands to reason that parents who are divorced or were never married in the first place will naturally disagree since without a valued personal relationship between the parents, there is even less of a reason to find a common ground. Introduce a step parent into the mix and you’ve got even more complications.

It’s not uncommon for resentment, insecurity, anger, frustration, and even jealousy to exist and not only interfere with the intended focal objective (the best interest of the involved children) but these things also tend to create tension and hostility which leads to placing the kids in the middle of things they are too young to understand! Over the next few weeks, I will be introducing a series in which I will provide you with a few things to keep in mind when trying to find a level playing field in parenting, shared parenting, and step parenting, especially in cases where there has been no court involvement.

1.  A Bad Partner Does Not Equal A Bad Parent

All too often, parents forget that relationship skills have absolutely no direct correlation with parenting skills. The fact that your ex may not do what you want them to do, say what you want them to say, or treat you the way you want to be treated is no indication of the way they act or react to their children. There is no reason to bring a child into that situation by rejecting a parent’s rights or limiting their involvement in the child’s life, even temporarily. The only person that loses in the end is the child who is left feeling confused and unsure of how to feel, which leads to guilt when they believe they are disappointing one parent by loving the other.

2.  An Angry Child Does Not Equal Deliberate Disrespect

Children are too emotionally immature to know how to process certain feelings. When they are overwhelmed with the emotions they are experiencing, that could quite possibly result in one of two responses: shutting down or acting out. A child who exhibits any sort of exceptional behavioral extremes is likely suffering from the inability to cope with their own emotions. Providing a child with coping strategies or mechanisms to offset the stress resulting from what they are feeling will help them to go through the process what most adults refer to as “getting it off our chest.” As mature adults, we are able to put our feelings into words to better explain them, resolve them, and understand them. Most children are not equipped with such a capacity.

Assuming that an angry child is simply being intentionally belligerent/disrespectful is doing that child a huge disservice. Discipline should be specifically detailed, but fully explained and enforced out of love and concern, NOT anger or frustration. Discipline should not be confused with punishment… discipline is the practice of teaching a child self-control and the concept of causal consequences. Punishment is the practice of making a child “pay” for their wrongs. Children whose parents are not together don’t understand why they have two homes and three or four parents. Each adult should be particularly sensitive to each child’s individual way of dealing with the situation and ensure that the child is made to feel safe and secure, loved and valued no matter where he/she is.

3.  Communication is Key (Mutual Respect is Ideal)

If at ALL possible, never let children know that there is tension between their parents or that one parent doesn’t like another parent’s spouse. It complicates things for the children when they aren’t sure how they should feel about a parent or step parent because they fear disappointing their mother or father. Remember that parenting is not about the parents — it’s about raising the children with as much stability, security, and love as possible with as little confusion, guilt, and stress as possible. It’s not easy, but it’s possible! As a step parent, your role is to compliment NOT supplement the existing structure.

It’s often much harder for a step parent because they have all the responsibility and influence in a child’s life but typically not all of the authority or respect — at least initially. Never “bad-mouth” another person who plays a key role in the upbringing of a child. It cannot bring any positive results… What does bring positive results is being able to communicate effectively, whether or not you have respect for all of those who share in parenting your children. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for their best interest — like biting your tongue :)

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