Confidence, Dreams, and Action

After writing the article about my experience at the American Idol audition, I received one particular comment (among a bunch of super awesome comments, thank you very much! lol) that made me stop and think for a while. Here’s an excerpt from it:

… you are a good singer and I admit that, but you aren’t as nearly as good as you think you are. You suffer from a slight well… major overconfidence problem whether you think so or not…

Now, are there singers that are better than I am? Most definitely! There are plenty of them. There will always be people that are better at just about everything. Should that make me any less confident about my own talent? Absolutely not. I used to be doubtful of myself because I constantly compared my abilities to the abilities of others. I was always telling myself I wasn’t good enough in ‘this’ area or ‘that’ area so I wasn’t good enough, period.

For a long time, I was terrified of competition.

I could always sing in front of just about anyone… but when it came to a situation where I knew my talent would be judged, I would freeze up. I’m still that way in certain situations. I react physically to the fear. My voice cracks. I shake. It’s a very frustrating (and embarrassing) thing to experience. I remember when I was a young child, probably about Talia’s age, and my mom took me to the Saenger Theater in Hattiesburg, MS to audition for a musical. I was going to sing — I think it was The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow … I don’t remember the name of it, but you know, “When I’m stuck with a daaaaaay that’s graaaaaay and lonely, I just stick out my chiiiiin and griiiiin and saaaaaaay…” That one. I knew the song like I knew the back of my hand, but I just couldn’t do it. I got up there on stage and even though I didn’t even need it, I hid behind that paper and used it as my shield. I depended on it to protect me from the eyes on the other side — from the judgments coming from the minds behind those eyes. My voice was so shaky, I covered it up by pretending I forgot the words. Needless to say, I didn’t get the part.

The main reason I was so upset after the American Idol audition was that my proudest moment – the one in which I did everything perfect and not even I (my own worst critic) could find a fault in my performance - was immediately followed by rejection, and not only rejection but rejection accompanied by the knowledge that the mediocrity beside me received approval and acceptance while I was cast aside and sent home. Normally, I can’t look someone in the face when I sing. Normally, when I’m being judged, I clam up. But this time, I proved to myself that I can do it! I looked her dead in the eye as I sang that song and I stepped back feeling accomplished and sure that I had rocked it… then, of course that feeling turned into complete dismay as she informed me that I would not advance to the next round of judging. In my previous post, I expressed the following:

I was SO concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fight my nerves; that I would screw it up… but now I see it really didn’t matter. I had nothing to be scared about because it’s not about how talented you are or how well you do. I almost wish I would have frozen up or my voice would have cracked — at least then, I would be dealing with the frustration of me having stagefright and them having a reason to dismiss me rather than dealing with the frustration of performing perfectly and being sent home along with all of the other outstanding talent they passed on that day.

I’ve battled myself nearly all my life.

I’ve battled me telling myself that I was fat even when I wore a size 7. I’ve battled me telling myself I didn’t deserve the things I dreamed of in my life. I’ve battled me telling myself that I wasn’t pretty “enough” or smart “enough” or everything else “enough” to the point where even though I always despised competition, everything became a competition. It took me years to be able to not compare myself to everyone around me. It took me years to really be who I was and not who everyone else thought I was, or who everyone else wanted me to be.

It is irritating when someone reaches out to me for no other reason than to destructively criticize me and it’s not because it makes me second guess myself. I’m passed that point. When it comes to myself, comments like that only make me want it even more and only push me even harder to get it. The reason it irritated me so much is because I think of how many people out there are just like I used to be; people who haven’t gotten to the point where they are sure they can do everything they’ve dreamed of doing… and I imagine how damaging a comment like that would be to me a few years ago and likewise how damaging it would be to anyone who feels that way now… and I realize how easily this person left this comment, not knowing me at all. Do I expect everyone to simply say I’m an amazing singer? Well, no. No, I don’t. I also received this comment from a stranger on the post that had the video of me singing the song I sang for the audition:

I know many will disagree but I thought you were just belting too much. Was it me or were you doing too much Christina Aguilera? You were great don’t get me wrong, but I think you should try and sing a mixture of soft and hard music. Belting throughout a whole song isn’t really necessary, you have a great voice but you need to bring it down a little with the belting. Overall it was okay, it would’ve been great without all the belting.

See how much of a difference it makes to be respectful when you tell someone they don’t sound as good as they think they do? In a nutshell, both comments presented the same idea. One was extremely personal and rude; the other way constructive and honest. Let this be a lesson to people — you can say what is on your mind without being harsh; you can provide criticism without necessarily being “critical” … get it? Don’t let anyone tell you what you’ve got going for yourself. Anthony Hamilton doesn’t have the greatest “voice” in the world by standard measures but when you pair it with his music, his style, and his lyrics it’s amazingly perfect. I won’t stop until I get where I want to be. I won’t give up until my dreams are realized. Period. If I have to do it all on my own, it will get done. Thankfully, I have outstanding friends and family who support me in ways I never would have imagined and I’m truly grateful for each and every one of you. You make my strength even stronger. You remind me how awesome God is and how perfectly He orchestrates things.

When I finally do it, please believe I’m gonna do it big! I’m unbreakable.

Until next time...



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