It’s difficult to describe the feeling I have when I just sit silently and watch my kids. Briyana is nearly midway through her first year with a double-digit age. How do I make myself understand that she will be 11 years old in seven months? I have yet to really “accept” that she is entering the 5th grade this fall. Between now and the end of the year, Ava will turn FIVE (and start Kindergarten, oh my GOSH!), Tre will turn NINE, and Talia will turn EIGHT. The reality is that my babies are growing up. None of them are really babies anymore. My little Zoe who God just blessed us with, like, yesterday is now a toddler – 2 years old. All day yesterday, I would ask Zoe if she’s having a birthday today and a huge grin would take over her face and she would rigorously shake her head in a, “YES!” motion. Since we already had her birthday party at my mom’s on the 17th, the kids swam for a while and just played and treated Zoe to being Princess for a day :) She’s walking and talking and following so closely behind the big kids that I think it’s safe to assume she will fly through each of her “stages” so quickly that if I blink, I’ll miss them.
What’s even more heartbreaking than my babies growing up is the thought of my step sons growing up. It’s been over a decade and they’ve never been allowed to be a part of our family, but yet they are. As hard as their mother tries to keep their lives separate from ours, eventually they are going to want to know their little brother and all their sisters. Without any problem, I can seriously count on ONE hand how many times all the children have gotten together in their lifetimes. I won’t harp on this, because you all know how I can just wear it out when I get started on this situation but on birthdays, it really hits my husband and I that we have literally NEVER been involved in celebrating his sons’ lives. He has never had the pleasure of seeing either of them blow out candles on a birthday cake or take a cutesy picture in one of those silly cone hats. It infuriates me that he is being forced to miss so much – things that will never come back around. This time can never be made up. It’s gone. It’s not fair to them… but all their mother can think about is what’s not fair to her, and that’s sad.
Sometimes, I sit back and I feel like I’m having a ‘movie’ experience – you know, when the camera sort of slowly backs away and the sound fades and everything becomes a bit blurry and reminiscent? My reality gives way and all of the chaos and stress subsides… and I just stare in amazement at how blessed I am and how wonderful they all are. All of my girls are just gorgeous… with their overpowering smiles, bright personalities, and eyes so beautiful that they can pierce your soul. My son is so perfectly handsome, inside and out… he is sensitive and caring, yet strong and brave… he is inquisitive and full of vigor. All my “babies” are determined, intelligent, and talented. I’ve learned so much from them – probably just as much as I have taught them. I couldn’t possibly put into words how much I love them. I’m not sure that there are words to describe a mother’s love for her children.
The day is done… the kids are sleeping… staring at Zoe’s sweet, angelic little face, I remember the day she was born. She was precious, tiny, and helpless. Two years later, she’s still precious :) … not so tiny, and not so helpless anymore though. She is demanding and strong willed. She commands with authority, even at her tender age. A wave of her hand and you know what she wants… LOL When she cocks her head to the side and raises her eyebrows, you know she means business! It saddens me that time is only going to speed up from this point and in all the craziness that encompasses each day, I will likely be impatiently waiting for the day they grow up while still grasping for those tender moments of yesterday. Parenting is such a paradox in itself. In some sense, the days can seem so long but on the same token I never want to see them end.
Click here to see photos from Zoe’s little family birthday party :)
There are no words that can describe the feeling of a grandmother standing back and watching her grandchildren experiencing their little lives, growing up each day, learning the things each person learns in their lives so determined to ‘grow up’ and doing so with such exuberance and grace, such inquisitiveness and strength, such intelligence and all the while allowing it to enter their minds at breakneck speed. They are the wonders of this world to me. Yes, they are precious small, little creatures. But, yes, they are growing, getting bigger each time I see them, knowing more, having increased their vocabulary, their talents, their compassion and desires for life. I always try to have the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” conversation with them when I see them. I think it is so important to get them thinking toward that even at a young age. Of course, its… a teacher, a ballerina, a football player, etc. which is fine. When I was growing up no one ever asked me that question. All that was expected was for me to grow up, marry my childhood sweet heart, and have babies and grow gardens. Tried that and failed. So now I find that it is very important to start instilling into these precious minds the importance that someday there is a future that they will need to make plans for even now. That they CAN make plans for. That they can start to THINK about making plans for even now. I just want to give them the best I have. And that is what I think is the best I can give to them at this point. A thought about who they are going to be in the future. What they are going to be doing when they grow up. I always praise them for their choices and encourage them that they will be the best for all the many reasons they desire. Because right now, that is what they want to be. And some times, the answers change for some of them, and some times the answers stay the same. But I want to keep them thinking that you HAVE to think about what you are going to be doing when you grow up. Because as we all know, we are going to have to be doing something. And I know they will be the best at whatever they choose to be. How can they not be. They are my grandchildren:) I am sooo proud of every one of them. You would be so blessed to meet them.
How heartwarming and sweet. I love the one of her sitting there acting just like Barry!!! Wish her a very happy birthday!!!!
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That’s one of my favorite pictures!!! :) haha Thanks! She did have a happy birthday!
Happy belated birthday Zoe. She has grown up. I remember when I first started reading your blog and she was so little then. She has gotten to be so big and pretty.
Take care,
Shynea