Spirituality & Who You Lean On

A year ago, I had a horrible experience with another ministry “leader” which I allowed to completely compromise my spirit. I allowed bitterness and confusion and resentment and anger fester and infect my mind. I allowed the putrid effects of someone else’s spite penetrate my heart and start a downward spiral that left me secretly questioning everything around me. I found comfort in a friend and it didn’t take long for our bond to become so strong that even though hundreds of miles separate us, I trusted her and I confided in her… Recently something happened that jeopardized our friendship; it’s no big scandal or really anything to make mention of… just a lot of little misunderstandings that led to this point where we’re barely speaking. Okay, we aren’t speaking. At all. I’ve posted a couple of times vaguely about my feelings…

• Click Here :: my defense post, where I tell “my side” which – as everyone knows – your own side isn’t ever completely accurate
• Click Here :: my reflection post, where I started really thinking about things from both of our points of view and began to realize maybe I wasn’t quite so innocent after all
• Click Here :: my analysis post, where I question my perspective and search myself to find out why I always tend to want to piece things together

After prayer and reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that none of it was about either of us. It was about God. It was about a year ago when I let my relationship with Him suffer. It was about 9 months ago when I kept saying I didn’t have the “want-to” to revisit all of the pain to resolve my own issues. It was about 6 months ago when I kept letting more and more time accumulate between my prayers. It was about 3 months ago when God kept tugging at my spirit and calling me to find peace in Him. It was about all the times I picked up the phone instead of picking up my Bible. It was about all the times I occupied my time with idle chit-chat rather than prayer. It was about the fact that I devoted more time to a friendship than my worship. I had to swallow the harsh reality that sometimes God facilitates discord between people who find themselves leaning more on one another than on Him. I had to admit that as long as we had one another to call, God’s guidance, comfort, and assurance came second to the audible alliance I had with such a close friend. I would pray for others, but I had let it get to a point where I didn’t address anything personal with God. I held it in myself or I vented my frustration to people… but I never really gave it to the One who could actually help: God.

The reality is that between the wedge I had allowed my experience the year prior to drive between myself and God and my friendship which seemingly replaced Him, God had to take it away in order for me to realize what was going on. The devil was winning… and I was setting myself up for being powerless. I won’t go all out with this post because I don’t feel it’s really necessary to harp on and on about the things God has shined His light on. I’ll just say that I thank Him for knowing how to remove a distraction and get my attention. I hope one day He will allow the bond that He broke to be mended because I miss my friend… still love her dearly. But I am convinced in my heart that our separation was for mutual benefit – for each of us to face what we had been running from with the strength of God, not with the support of a friend. I believe I was just as much of a spiritual distraction in her life as she was in mine… and I appreciate God shaking things up and letting them settle the way they needed to – and reminding me that I’ll never have “it” all figured out!

Don’t ever forget: It’s never about YOU. It’s about HIM!

Now the process of getting back on intimate terms with God can begin. I don’t know how – or why – I ever let it get this far, but I love Him even more for not giving up on me when I was so stubborn that I wouldn’t seek Him out. I may feel like a fool, but at least I serve a God of deliverance!