When it comes to my friends, I often let things slide that I shouldn’t or I just kind of leave it alone when they say something to offend me, accepting it as just being who they are because it’s easy for me to assume that a friend wouldn’t ever intentionally make me feel that way and realizing that not everyone responds the same way… but what I’ve found recently is that those same people spare me no shame when they feel I’ve said something I shouldn’t have or responded to something differently than they would have. When it’s me, I don’t typically voice it when a friend does/says something that upsets me. I roll my eyes, sigh, and just back off until I let it go. Why? Because not everything is worth an argument… and most of the time what I’m feeling at the moment won’t seem so serious later, but if I make it an issue then it will become… well… an issue. I know all too well how easily it is to do irreparable damage to any relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the only one that seems to care.
One-way friendships suck and although I find it nearly impossible most of the time to let go of people (no matter how toxic they may be) sometimes you just have to, no matter how much they mean to you. I learned that the hard way last year. Now, I’m at a pivotal point in my life where things are happening for me FINALLY and I won’t can’t let my focus be compromised. It’s not fair after for me to be made to feel guilty for things finally starting to work out when I’ve been through SOOOO much to get where I am in my life, my marriage, and within myself right now… if that makes any sense. There comes a time after you’ve been through SO much when you can’t help but embrace the positive in life and welcome change that takes you to a better place and not allow people to take that away from you just because they are now going through things. I didn’t/wouldn’t do that to a friend when it was/will be me going through bad times in my life.
Life happens in cycles. You won’t always be up… but the flip side is that you won’t always be down either. Things have a way of balancing themselves out over time. When I’m going through hell, it has always seemed to happen that my best friend isn’t. She’s been there to uplift me and encourage me and give me hope. She was able to do that because she didn’t have her own demons she was battling or her own hell she was escaping. The same goes for her – when she needed someone, it normally happens to be that God has worked it so that I am mentally able and emotionally available to be there for her in whatever capacity her situation requires. Not to take away from the bond that strengthens as friends go through hard times together but it makes it difficult to be there for someone else when you’ve got your own problems to face.
Being sensitive to your friends and supporting them shouldn’t mean that you have to censor yourself or shade them from what you’re experiencing in your life. As much as I want to be there for them when they are having a hard time, I would expect them to understand my excitement when my hardships finally turned toward my favor. Instead, words were thrown at me like “fake” and ” selfish” and “emotionless” … which I don’t think was fair. I’ve been there for complete strangers when they needed someone to talk to… I will drop everything for someone who feels alone, especially a good friend – someone I care a lot about. I don’t always know what to say , but being an “ear” often helps them to work things out on their own.
I realize I can’t force anyone to talk to me, but when a friend finds a way to talk to everyone else while ignoring me and expects me to not take it personally when they say they don’t feel chatty (despite being chatty with everyone else)… well, that is just confusing. Then to have them tell me that I’m making everything about myself because I’m wondering why it seems I’m the only one they are alienating just adds insult to injury when the only thing I was trying to do in the first place is be a good friend. *deep breath & sigh* At first, I felt bad about it and I apologized for “being selfish and making things about MY feelings” but as I think about it more, a true friend wouldn’t insist that I should understand their need for space without even trying to understand that my only intention was to be there for them… How could I know what they were thinking? Someone please tell me how trying to be a good friend can make me a bad friend because I honestly don’t get it.
Truth be told, it all started out with one big misunderstanding… but I suppose two people who turn out to not understand one another at all couldn’t really have been true friends to begin with, especially when communication and forgiveness are nowhere in the picture.
No relationship or friendship is perfect… but it should at least be two-sided.
Oh, Kat I am sorry to hear this. Dealing with social anxiety I can’t say I am an expert on the whole friend thing because I am still learning but I am hoping this will work out for you. I think that with all relationships there are going to those ups and downs. That is just how it is sometimes. It is impossible to know exactly what the other person is thinking or what is hurting them. I think the forgiveness will come in time. *Big Hugs*
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I hear the emotion behind this blog post, enjoyed reading it because I often feel the same way. I am currently working on cleaning out my “friends” so to speak so that I am only involving myself heavily in “healthy” friendships. I may still talk to those I’ve known a long time but if they are doing nothing but thinking of themselves and putting ME down then why even bother having them FT in my life?!
((HUGS))
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Wow, I just read your blog. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I just want you to know that I feel like you do with my friends.
I recently messed up by telling my friend’s boyfriend that I was afraid to tell her something because she might bite my head off. Of corse he told her. I usually keep those things to myself but I just happened to say something. She was really mad at me. She yelled at me and i cried about it, she found me after I cried about it and said “you must have wanted me to hear that comment or else you never would have told my boyfriend. She then said “it’s ok I’m just a Bitch like everyone says, but I still have my boyfriend.” I was basically heart-broken that she said that, like she can’t rely on me anymore. I thought we were really close that she would never think that saying something like that would not hurt me in return. I just want to be there for her and be a good friend so badly.
I cannot confront people face to face so when she was talking to me I froze up and could not say anything. I also could not apolagize face to face, so I wrote a letter. I don’t know If I should be stressing so much over this that I am fearful to lose a friend, hurt that she thinks I am a “bad person” that she can’t trust, or is she really not a good friend in return and that i should try to get over it.
Sorry I rambled. I just want you to know that there are more of us out there that think like you do and are doormats. I often feel that when a friend is in a bad mood that it is my fault or they do not want to deal with me, If a friend insults me I think I deserve it. I always feel like I am to blame.