Sometimes, as women we get lost in our relationships… lost in all the roles we assume on a daily basis. I know I’ve posted a couple of times recently about who I am and perhaps you all are getting tired of reading about my process of figuring me out, but it’s my blog and I’ll be redundant if I want to :)
Today, my tweet stream went something like this:
Blah, blah, blah… I’m not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life… blah, blah, blah… Instead of getting down on myself because the awesome women in my life are moving forward and I’m not, I need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and just MOVE… blah, blah, blah… I never thought I would associate myself with the word “insecure” but I believe the fear of failure has held me back from reaching my goals.
Okay, so those are not exact words, but it’s a darn good paraphrase for what I’ve published on Twitter over the last few hours and I wanted to elaborate a little. I’m normally NOT one to consider myself or my situation in comparison with anyone else, but lately I have been. I’ve been feeling down about myself because so many of my friends seem to have opportunities popping up everywhere while I seem to be at a standstill. I feel like I’ve lost myself… left me behind somehow. I mean, my best friend since elementary school is a DOCTOR and me – well, I’m a stay at home mom.
I’m certainly not diluting the importance of being a mom to my kids. It’s very fulfilling and I love them more than ANYTHING. It’s also not at all that I’m not totally thrilled when something great happens for someone I care about… I most definitely am. I have some amazing women in my “tribe” and they are more than deserving of everything positive that happens for them. I guess it’s just that I’m more than just “Mama” and even though I honestly love where I am in my life, it’s hard to not feel a little sore when I think about where I thought I would be at this point and realize that I’m nowhere close.
Contributing to my dissatisfaction is the fact that many of the friendships I have are superficial (they don’t really go much deeper than the surface) … so as soon as I stop being “me” and have a hard time uplifting everyone else, my circle starts to shrink significantly. Because I don’t have many people really “pushing” me, I have allowed my contentment become complacency and in doing that, I’ve lost a lot of my motivation which is frustrating because I’m not really sure how to get it back. I used to be one of the most driven people that I know. Now, no matter how much I plan, prepare, and goal-set, I just cannot seem to make myself hit the “go” button. Execution is where I fail every time.
I don’t have any real point to this post other than just to share how I am feeling and get it off my chest… much the same purpose I had in tweeting today. Regardless of how you see it, it’s how I feel and anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time should know by now that I am extremely transparent. This post may not be the most inspirational article I’ve posted, but sometimes I need to be on the receiving end of a little encouragement.
While I was tweeting earlier, I saw a tweet from someone else {which didn’t mention me, but related to what I was saying} that said, “What happened to being proactive & GOING after what u want? Maybe if u put ur energy into ur goals instead of whining u will get somewhere.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing how you feel. I process my emotions by getting them out in my writing whether that be on Twitter, Facebook, or my blog. Social media is my outlet and in a lot of ways, my readership and my connections have become like family. Sometimes, I can’t move past a certain point until I voice it. Everyone is different and quite often, it isn’t as simple as just making things happen. In my case, I just feel motivationally paralyzed and I’m praying my way out of the funk.
My mom called in the middle of writing this post to say this:
I just got on my Facebook page and saw some of the things you wrote on your page and I wanted to call and encourage you. I don’t see how you can feel bad about yourself with all the good that you do. Every time you give me advice it’s always the right thing that I need to hear. Everything you do encourages other people and you touch so many people all the time. Everybody has their bad days but you should be very proud of what you’re doing and where you are.
My mom is one of my best friends and I am SO lucky to have her. Her love is unconditional and she’s always there for me when I need her. I just wanted to add that to the bottom of this post to let her know how much I love and appreciate her. Mama, your call brightened my day. :) I’m SO thankful for you!
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Sometimes you just need to get it out! I understand completely! Being a stay-at-home mom is HARD, yes it’s rewarding but sometimes it can feel like a prison! We don’t get sick days, or vacation days, or get to talk to people who can hold an adult conversation :) I personally find that when I take my eyes off of Him it really distorts the picture of my life!
P.S. Before I knew who you were I saw your video on MomTV the one of you singing and you have an amazing voice :)
You know, there are seasons in our lives. It takes going through the winter to get to the spring. It takes a storm to make things grow. You are probably on the verge of some more great growth, like a sprig trying to break through the earth. You are soon going to embark on another part of your life. You will find that all of what you are came from all of your experiences and you will need everything to meet that destiny on your horizon. Choose to be expectant and don’t judge yourself harshly. God is not judging you. He is making the way. Just keep following him and be that great writer that you are, the open person whom others need everyday to get through their days of thinking no one understands, but there you are and they need you. Keep being real. It’s what people need. Be honest. It’s ok. Sometimes you need to lean too, and we will let you lean on us. But you know it…you are the strong one. With dreams and purpose and you do finish projects and you do carry out your plans. Don’t look at other peoples lives and compare yours to theirs. Because I promise you, when you get to the end of your road in life, you are going to be sooo glad you walked the path you did. You will have created a lineage that will be a great witness and a long-living one. You will always continue on. Your work will be remembered. I hope you go on to Law school. I’ve always known that you should. You have what it takes and you have such a passion to help others that your work will impact lives like no other. You have had destinys. And you have another one. Its on the horizon. Look expectantly, thank God for it today. Relish in your everyday now because before you know it, your children will be grown. You have chronicled your lives in a wonderful way and you will be glad you have. Don’t be discouraged. You have accomplished a lot in a very little bit of time in your life. YOu are still very young. You have a lot of time to reach other goals. Pray about them, set your face toward the Father and watch Him make your way clear. He only knows how to love you into the rest of your life. He’s good about that! Be hopeful and realize just how much your have meant to others. If you do nothing else, that is a huge thing. But you haven’t begun to be through with your purpose. You have only started to fullfil your destiny. There are so many people who’s paths you will cross that will need all that you have experienced to help them through their times. Be thankful for the winter and be thankful for the storms. Your flowers are beautiful and your waters overflow…always.
I know what you are talking about. Most of my friends were going to college and finding awesome jobs while I was at home caring for my children….before any of them were even married.
Sometimes I feel like I have been left in the dust while they are running their own businesses, buying homes, traveling the world and talking about all the things they have done. It is hard to not feel like you haven’t done all that much.
In your case, you have done more than you realize. You are uplifting so many people. You have a way about you that is full of grace and spirit. As Marla said, there are seasons in life and in time you will be where you want to be. Just try to keep your chin up and know that God will lead you where you need to be.
I am so thankful for finding you and reading your site…you are a very special person Kat, remember that….because we all do!
Thanks Priscilla :) Marla is my mom and yes she is awesome haha
*hugs* I appreciate your words more than you know :) I feel SO much better today!
I think we all feel this way from time to time, and quite honestly I don’t think that we as stay at home moms are the most susceptible to these feelings. Ask those that are doctors, lawyers, professors and they deal with the same issues.
I read Beth Moore’s book So Long Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us recently, and it’s a great book for knowing your security both in Christ and your place in the world, it’s worth a read.
Wow! Good post! I think it’s good to express how you feel on your blog. It’s one thing I tell my husband all the time… I just need to talk to get it off my chest… I don’t want him to “fix it” or counsel me… I just need to talk. Just talking makes it better. I’m glad you wrote this and your transparency is refreshing… you go girl. And by the way… a stay at home mom has got to be the hardest, least appreciated job… yet it’s so rewarding too. I tell my mother, “I have a whole new appreciation for you.” Sounds like you have an awesome mother. I do too and it’s so helpful during those slump times. Hang in there. If it helps any… Phillipians 4:8 and Phillipians 4:13 are encouraging Bible verses.
Sometimes we just need to get it out. My last almost 2 years have been like that. That was the whole reason I started my blog. Hang in there. Dont moms rock? Mine is the same way.
it is really hard when the circle of friends is not really deep. i have moved away from some close friends, and the distance has really strained the relationship. sure we are still friends, but not in a daily way. i just keep trying to connect with those closer to me, but its really hard sometimes and i still can’t fully be myself with them yet.
I have been there! I think I can easily get to this place in a matter of just a few moments if I am not careful. We have so many things as moms, wives, bloggers, everything that we put our whole beings into and sometimes there can feel like little reward. I am so thankful that my reward is heavenly and not earthly.
I think you do a wonderful job as a blogger and as a friend (I have seen you online in other places). You are great cheerleader and one day those big opps will come to you too!