Way Too Much Sex

I look around today and I see a society full of people who have become convinced that sex is just as casual as conversation. When I was younger, it wasn’t much different but I suppose as a parent my perspective has changed and it is disappointing. My mom never really talked about sex to me at all. Most of what I knew about sex I learned from my sister who was almost 5 years older than me and was obviously sexually active at a very young age as she was pregnant by the time she was 15. As can be expected, I was pregnant with my oldest by the time I was 16. This alone means that I know how important it is to talk to your children about sex. I didn’t get information. I didn’t get warnings. I didn’t get anything. My mom had no idea that she needed to talk to either of us about sex that young. She feared that talking to us about it would make us interested in it. I think that is what causes many parents to shield the ears of their kids from “sex talk” and by the time they have that conversation with their child, it is because there is now an issue of a disease, a pregnancy, or other concerns that come from the talk being entirely too late.

It’s so hard to know the right way to teach children about sex because there are so many parents out there who either aren’t teaching their kids about sex at all because they feel their child is “too young” to know about such things which means they know all about it but have the wrong information {and are more than willing to share their “knowledge” with YOUR child} or who are teaching their children about sex on accident just simply by living a poor example of sexual responsibility. Children see ALL. Never forget that. Parents who try to open the lines of communication about sex with their children at an early age seem to be few and far between and I don’t understand that. Not only do children THESE DAYS need to know about sex, their bodies, and responsibility, but they also need to know about what is and is not appropriate so that someone isn’t able to take advantage of them by scaring them into believing they will get into trouble for telling if something is done to them. I know people who are scared to address those things with their kids because they don’t want to scare them. Would YOU rather scare them by allowing them to know there are bad people in the world… or would you rather someone else scare them by being those bad people in the world they were never warned about?

The reason I say *THESE DAYS* is because so many parents are trapped in a mental timewarp that prevents them from being able to fully grasp all of the societal changes that have taken place since they were children. 13 is the new 17. 10 is the new 13. It’s insane what children are exposed to in schools as early as 2nd and 3rd grade and if you do not talk to your children about the things they may be already facing, you’re doing them a huge disservice. A child that young is likely very uncomfortable bringing up a topic to their parents about something of that nature. They need the subject brought up to them directly, without overtones of embarrassment or apprehension. If they know they can talk to you, chances are they will!

Your children are learning about sex from friends, from eavesdropping in adult conversations, from lyrics in songs that come on the radio, from television shows, from commercials, and yes – even from sneaking a listen outside your bedroom door. Yep. They know more than you think they do. And they need to get the facts from you… They need to know that is not a taboo topic in your home – that they can come to you with their questions or concerns. Ignoring the subject will NOT keep them from getting the information… but it may keep them from getting the RIGHT information. Discussing sex with your child also gives you the opportunity to be clear with them about your expectations, which – believe it or not – could impact their decisions in a major way later on.

My youngest two children are 1 and 4… obviously too young to be privy for these conversations. My oldest three, however, are 7, 8, and 9. They are very mature for their ages and, while we have NOT gone into great detail about intercourse, we have fairly openly discussed things they have questions about with them. It’s almost scary to realize how much a child in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grade knows about the subject – but they do. We have expressed our wishes for them, as well as informing them of what God’s laws are regarding relations between a man and a woman. We have also watched several episodes of The Secret Life of the American Teenager which gives us a reference point for our discussions. We’ve talked about the consequences and dangers of premarital sex. My girls have it made up in their minds already at a young age that they don’t want to be like Amy. They don’t want to be like Adrienne. They don’t want to be like Grace. They want to be smart and make good decisions because they see what those girls don’t see - they see how scandalous those boys are! And they also see how much damage it does – and even how it makes them feel just watching it – when the girls get hurt. And Tre – well he is growing up with very strong moral fiber, deciding that he doesn’t want to be one of those “jerks” {his word, not mine} and that when he gets a girlfriend he is going to be nice to her and never trick her like Ricky did Amy.

I’ve had some people criticize me for allowing my kids to watch such mature content at their ages, but one thing I know is that my kids won’t be ignorant… they won’t be naive… and they won’t be uncomfortable talking to me about things that they are confused about. And my response to those critics is that they are crazy if they think their kids aren’t being exposed to “mature content” in their daily lives – in public school… on the play yard… and even with friends at church! My kids will grow up knowing from an early age what they will and will not accept in their lives. Those are not things I want them to have to decide when they are impressionable 15 year olds and my opinion doesn’t matter to them. I want them to grow up having already made those decisions on their own when they are impressionable children and my opinion means the world to them. Growing up with a certain perspective means they have a much higher chance of making decisions based on that perspective… and having friends and influences that support that perspective. Being informed will make them more confident and less likely to be fooled by their peers into doing something they are unsure about.

The toughest part of having the sex talk with your children is having to tell them that you will respect their decisions… and that you will always be there if they make the wrong ones. As a parent, you want to tell them they BETTER NOT do this and that you’ll wring their neck if they do that… but if you want to have any chance of them making good decisions, you have to let them make them on their own. Teens are not going to choose what you want them to choose if you drive it into them that it’s their only option. Rebellion is in their blood at that point. It’s what they do. It’s how they assert their independence. If they know that you trust them and they know that you have been honest with them and that you respect and love them, they are less likely to feel that they have to prove their maturity in irresponsible ways.

I am 100% honest with my children about my teen parenthood… about the joys and the sorrows… about the struggles and the triumphs. They know I love them and wouldn’t change one SECOND of our lives. But they also know how hard it’s been – and my oldest two remember times when we barely even had enough. They don’t want that for their kids… They all insist that they have had happy lives, but they also admit that they wish they could have more things and do more stuff and take more trips and things like that… things we would be able to do if we had established stability in our lives before bringing our children into the world.

So… have you – or do you plan on – having the sex talk with your child? What age… why, or why not? Do you have any questions about how to go about having the talk? Leave me a comment – I would love to know your thoughts and concerns. There is way too much sex going on in the world around our children for us to leave them in the dark about the truth… They need to know about the pressures they will face and they need to know they have support. They need reassurance from you. They need honesty and openness from you. You cannot start teaching a child something they’ve been learning for years – it’s much more difficult to unlearn than it is to start from scratch. Don’t let society get to your kids before you do. Be proactive. Reactive may bite you in the butt.

Until next time...



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