The Loss of a Child… and the Hatred of a Society: @Military_Mom

I have several times sat down to write this post and decided against it. Given the gravity of this situation I didn’t want to say something out of anger or frustration that I later would regret. So, after four days of deliberation, I’m ready.

MY LIFE ONLINE

I am a social media enthusiast. I am active on Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube. I am also part of the community affectionately dubbed “the mommy bloggers” which is commonly misrepresented, underestimated, and made a joke. Contrary to popular belief, we are not a bunch of slovenly, lazy slackers. We are not all unemployed. We do not ‘have it easy.’ We are a group comprised of stay at home moms, work at home moms, business owners, doctors, attorneys, and professional working businesswomen. Among us are authors, inventors, innovators, entrepreneurs, marketers, and the list perpetually goes on. Regardless of whether we blog to chronicle – and share – our family’s experiences and memories, appeal to a specific niche, promote or review products, companies, or brands, or a combination of the three, we come together for a plethora of reasons… the most common: friendship, networking, and support.

Someone not involved in virtual communication can’t possibly understand how valuable and intimate these connections are. I have made more friends online over the years than anywhere else – and have developed very close personal relationships that I have maintained for YEARS… not only with other parents but women in general. When I have something to share – good, bad, exciting, or painful – I come online… to my blog… to Twitter… to Facebook – but overall, to friends. I reach out to people I know care and respond… people who can relate, support, encourage, pray, and advise. These bonds are not comical. They are not conditional. They are not disposable. They are not replaceable. They are not fragile. They are genuine and they are priceless.

THE LOSS OF A CHILD

Monday afternoon, after having finished decorating the family’s Christmas tree, Shellie Ross was outside in her yard with her sons… they were spending time together, tending to the chickens and playing with their dog. Shellie, like most mothers involved in social media, was using her iPhone to TwitPic photos and tweet updates about their day. When the fog started getting thick, she decided it was time to go inside and sent her 11 year old son, Kris, to turn off the waterhose that ran from the pool enclosure and take her 2 year old son, Bryson, in while she finished up. Somehow, the latch to the door that led to the pool had not closed properly when Kris left the area to go inside the house. About five minutes later, she walked into the house and realized Bryson was not with his older brother. Kris hadn’t noticed Bryson wasn’t in the house. They immediately began to frantically search for him … seconds later, they found him at the bottom of the pool.

Shellie dove in and retrieved her son while Kris ran to call 911. She performed CPR on Bryson while waiting for the emergency medical team to arrive. Bryson was transported to the hospital where he was pronounced dead at 6pm. Shellie was in the waiting room with a victim advocate and the hospital chaplain and had not yet been notified of her toddler’s passing… Feeling alone in this terrifying ordeal with her husband away for military training, she used her iPhone to send a tweet to her over 5000 followers pleading for immediate prayer for her son, saying:

Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool.

According to The Town Talk, “At 6:31 p.m., doctors came to tell her that her son was dead.”

Naturally, upon learning of his death Shellie’s friends began tweeting messages of support. Tricia Haas, the founder of MomDot which is a community of mothers {myself included} to which Shellie belongs, posted an entry informing her readers of what had happened and briefly mentioning that if anyone was led to donate to the family she would find out how that could be done. This was not requested by Shellie or any member of the Ross family. This was a gesture of friendship, support, and grief made by her closest friends – women who speak with Shellie several times a day and share in all of her joys, frustrations, and experiences. The response was unbelievable in every way. The outpouring of support was phenomenal, but on the flip side, the relentless accusations from others was absolutely appalling!

THE BUSTED RESPONSE OF A VIRTUAL SOCIETY

Hundreds of tweets and blog posts called for a full investigation of Shellie, insinuating that she was neglectful and that her “infatuation with Twitter” contributed to his death. She was called a liar, with one woman going as far as to demand proof that Shellie’s son was dead and telling people not to make donations because she had personally contacted several news sources which had not caught wind of the story yet. When news finally did break with the story, this revolting woman’s campaign then switched from accusing the grieving mother of lying for “publicity and donations” to attacking her, claiming she was to blame for her son’s death because she was preoccupied with chickens and twitter and not watching her son. The countless individuals who jumped on that bandwagon is outrageously heartbreaking. In the wake of the mourning process after having lost her toddler in a tragic accident, she has now been bombarded minute by minute with hateful tweets and emails – some even going as far as to contact Regis & Kelly and various news sources including MSNBC, in order to “discuss if Bryson Ross would still be alive if mother wasn’t tweeting.”

Obviously, this story has become international news with opinion polls being posted and so much attention being brought to it that the mother who is already grief-stricken and wishing she could turn back the hands of time now has her pain compounded by the constant insistence that she is to blame for his death, despite local authorities being very vocally adamant in their statements that Bryson’s death was “an accident” and no charges will be filed. The vile individual who started this rolling thunder of accusations against Shellie has used the death of a two year old to gain followers, promote her book, and expose her website. She has been more than happy to avail herself for interviews and continues to direct hurtful, hateful commentary toward Shellie via her twitter account. It is incomprehensible how a mother with three children can forge an outright attack on a fellow mom who is mourning the death of her toddler. I believe I am in agreement with the person who tweeted, “there is a place in hell,” for a person capable of such a thing.

MY REFLECTION – LIFE’S “ALMOSTS”

As an extension of this situation, I have had to reflect on how many “almosts” have happened with my five children over the years and cringing at the notion that this is the response I would receive if I reached out for prayer and support to my network of online friends. I remember walking into the kitchen to find my then-2-year-old toddling around and in the corner of my eye, I saw the glimmer of a steak knife just lying there on the floor by the oven. It freaked me out. I put every sharp knife we owned in a plastic pitcher and stowed it away in the highest cabinet in the kitchen. That was 2 years ago and we still only take out ONE knife at a time. BUT despite the precautions I took AFTERWARD, I can’t help but think what COULD have happened if she would have gotten to it first…

I remember bringing the groceries inside and my child somehow slipping out the door without me noticing. When I put down the bags in the kitchen, I noticed she wasn’t behind me and darted frantically back to the open door to find her just FEET from the street. Yes, I’m much more careful to ALWAYS make sure the doors are closed securely NOW, but there is the constant reminder of how quickly one inadvertent mistake can cost you DEARLY.

I remember hearing a splashing sound and looking up to find that my 16 month old who had been playing in the floor while I cooked wasn’t in the room. I ran into the bathroom to find her playing in the bath water with her hand and her foot on the side of the tub as she was trying to climb in. As you can imagine, I now go ballistic if (a) anyone leaves the bathroom door open while running water or (b) anyone forgets to let the water out of the tub when they are finished. True enough those are great measures NOW, but there’s the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think *what if she had closed the door?* or *what if, over the sound of the bacon frying, I hadn’t heard the splash?*

Everyone knows my baby, Zoe, is a serial climber. She is nicknamed MonkeyBaby because since she was 10 months old, she has literally climbed up on everything in her path. I remember my 9 year old daughter opening the window in her room and forgetting to close it. My youngest daughter, who had been napping in the adjacent room, woke up and wandered into Briyana’s room where she climbed up the ladder onto the the top bunkbed… simply by God’s grace I happened to be walking down the hall and found her just as she reached the window, which had no screen. She would have fallen about 6-7 feet onto the ground below – just next to the concrete base which the air conditioning unit sits atop.

There are so many things that CAN happen LITERALLY in the blink of an eye without any neglect on our part. No matter how many times we check on a sleeping child, how aware we are of our surroundings, or how safe we believe our children are, there are some things we simply cannot prevent. I think of how many times I have sent our toddler inside with my 9 year old daughter as I finish doing something outside, getting bags out of the van, or checking the mail. I think of how many scares we’ve had - how many times one of our children have put something in their mouths that could harm them, how many times they’ve gleefully – in a split second – darted out into the aisles of parking lots as I’ve stumbled toward and grabbed at them… I think of all of the “almosts” and then I try to imagine how Shellie feels knowing that this wasn’t one of those times. There isn’t a chance for her to sigh with relief and learn a lesson. There isn’t an opportunity for her to hold him tightly and thank God that he’s okay. There is only emptiness in the hole left in her life that her son used to occupy.

I try to imagine being accused of malicious behavior and blamed for my child’s ill fate. I can’t do it. I can’t imagine it. The mere thought of losing one of my children makes me absolutely crazy. Trying to process the hatred of society telling me it is my fault is more than my shattered heart would be able to cope with. I break into uncontrollable tears just thinking about the pain of yearning for the touch of my child… longing to wake up from the nightmare of reality to touch the soft, supple skin of my baby’s belly and kiss the puckered up lips offered when I ask for “kissy stuff” … The realization of that never happening again is what Shellie is going through every second right now. I can’t fathom the guilt that she is feeling, despite the fact that she is not to blame.

THE HEARTBREAK OF THE ROSS FAMILY

For someone to judge a mother for her toddler sneaking off for a few seconds is unconscionable. Why am I so passionate about defending Shellie? Simple. Because inasmuch as no one wants to think about it – this could have happened to ANY of us… to ANY of our children… to me… to mine… and that makes it personal… I’m sure I’m not the only one who has dealt with multiple “almost” scenarios. We’ve all been that mother who could have experienced something that could never have been undone. Shellie deserves not only our support, but our understanding… our compassion… and our prayers.

May God comfort and keep their family during the most trying time I hope they ever encounter. No parent should ever have to know this pain… Bryson Ross was a precious baby boy. My heart goes out to Shellie and the rest of the family he left behind. He is now in God’s care and he will never know sorrow… never know pain… never know loss… He will never feel all of the things his family is feeling right now. I pray that they are eventually able to move past the hurt so that they are able to celebrate his life and give remembrance to how blessed he made theirs.