An Open Letter, 12 Years in the Making

Dear Barry:

I remember you as a skinny little barely 16-year old little boy… On the grind every day trying to make it. You thought you were so grown… there was no telling you that you weren’t a man. I remember when I first laid eyes on you in 1st period. English. You had on those hideous plaid shorts… You were so sure of yourself – perhaps even too sure – and I found your confidence quite cocky and obnoxious. I remember thinking then that you had the “big head” so I had to be the one that couldn’t be won. haha I avoided you at all costs… but I couldn’t ignore you.

I don’t even remember how but we started spending time together… started talking on the phone. You paged me like.way.too.much… and I loved it. Our first date was at the Waffle House and that ended up being the place we ran to when given the chance to get away… 3am, you could always find us laughing and making fun of Mike and Sug over waffles and ham ‘n cheese omelets. I remember Samarion warning me about you… but there was something that I couldn’t shrug off – something that drew me in and made me comfortable falling. I remember how you told me you loved me for the first time. You, in your way-too-cool demeanor said, “Do you love me?” I reciprocated the question and you nonchalantly answered, “Yeah… I do.”

I remember the day we found out we were expecting Briyana. I remember like it was yesterday. We had been entertaining the idea for a couple of weeks that it was possible I could be pregnant. I was terrified. You didn’t seem to be. When we actually worked up the nerve to go to the clinic for a test, you were way too excited to tell your boys when we found out it was positive. I was still… terrified. But I was comforted knowing that you wanted a baby… knowing that you were happy. I was calmed as you told me it was going to be okay… WE were going to be okay. 16 and pregnant. It was a tough realization, but when you told me we’d be fine, I believed you. You promised you would take care of me.

I remember how hard it was to become parents… things were crazy and we couldn’t take it. I thought we were done. We called it quits. We walked away. But we came back… and I’m so thankful that we did… that we made it. You say I’m your angel… that you are glad I put up with you for so long… that you are who you are because I insisted on it. I say I am blessed to have you in my life because you made me want to be the woman that I am. I owe you more than you know. You’ve blessed my life in ways I can’t even express in words… only in touches… and glances… and smiles. I am so proud of you, baby. We’ve had more than our fair share of ups and downs, but none of it was in vain. Everything we overcame together made us stronger as a unit. Everyone who tried to tear us apart only made us want to make it work that much more.

You are a great dad. You always caught the little things… always watched for things I didn’t even think of. You were always the one to make sure the blankets covered up their feet… or their noses were wiped… or that they burped “loud” enough. You were the most concerned young father I’d ever seen and I admired how “there” you always were for our kids. No matter what we went through and no matter how mad we were at one another, you didn’t let anything keep you away. I remember you holding Briyana on your chest laying on my mom’s couch one day when we were arguing. I told you to leave. You very quietly, with respect to those little ears, looked at me and replied firmly, “No.” It made me so mad, but secretly I loved that you refused to be pushed away.

I remember when you took the job at Farmer’s Market so we could get our own place. I watched you day in and day out working, going to school, going to football practice, coming home in the dead of night and just crashing. But we were a family… and we had plans... I remember how you would go every week to donate plasma for extra money that always ended up going to diapers. You always would do anything to provide. I admired that about you. I still do. I remember how delicately you touched Briyana… I don’t think I will ever forget how scared you were to hold her… you seemed to think she would break. :) It was the most precious thing. I am still shocked that you cut the umbilical cords with each of our children’s deliveries. But I am also happy that you did… such a very special moment and you took full advantage of your involvement.

I can’t say how disappointed I was when you ended up having to drop out of high school. I know how much you were looking forward to walking across that stage… but too many nights of working late led to too many mornings of sleeping in… too many tardies added up to absences… and I don’t think I will ever forget the look on your face when you found out you wouldn’t be able to graduate. Football season ended, and your dreams seemed to be crushed. I felt so bad for you, but you took it like a man and you made the situation more than it wanted to be… and you ran with it and turned your opportunity into more than anyone imagined it could be after that point.

There is nothing in this world that can make my heart skip a beat the way that it does when I look in your eyes. There is something so warm there… so reassuring. There is the reminder that you have given me the last 12 years of your life… and there is the promise that you’ve dedicated the next 12 years to your life with me. When you touch me, I thank God that He made you for me and that He transformed you from that skinny little obnoxious, overly confident kid into a respectable, God-fearing provider, lover {and might I add sexy man} that you are today. I am also thankful that you never lost sight of your need to be here… that your love for me wasn’t diluted… that your “want-to” didn’t fade with time in regards to keeping our family together. I think of all the sacrifices you’ve made – everything you’ve done for the sake of our family and I realize that I still admire you. Loving you is so easy.

I look at you now, as this 28 year old man and I think of all the stages we’ve gone through together… we’ve gone through having nothing to having it all… living a struggle to doing it big… we’ve seen times when resources were endless and we’ve seen times when the resources just weren’t there. We’ve gone from the trailer park to the big white house on the hill and everywhere in between. We’ve gone from swapping gazes between classes in the highschool hallway to graduating college on the same stage. If there is one accomplishment I can be proud of, it’s making this life with you… there is nothing greater I can imagine than where I am right now… here in this skin… living this life… raising these kids… with you. You make my life complete… you make it all make sense. Come what may, I can weather anything knowing that you’ve always got my back.

I trust my life in your hands without a second thought.

No matter where we’ve been… no matter where we’re going, we’ve always been a team. Things have always been greater with you around. Life will always be sweeter with you in it. You touch me and I still get butterflies. I still feel like that same 14 year old girl on the school grounds, flirting with danger… but somehow knowing everything would fall into place. The road has taken us a long distance from those days and we’ve grown in ways we never thought possible. I love you larger than life and without consideration of anything else, my heart belongs to you indefinitely – no strings attached. Sickness? Been there. Health? Done that. Better? Seen it. Worse? Survived it. Richer? No doubt. Poorer? No problem.

As long as I still have breath.

You make me want to love you more than I ever have… more than I ever could… Being close to you is never enough. Watching you teach our son about integrity and honesty… instilling values in him like not valuing a dollar more than a word… like never being aggressive toward a girl… like praying and believing that God will always be God. I don’t think I will ever be able to feel capable of loving you as much as you deserve because my heart can’t quite encompass how wonderful you are and how perfect for me you were made. True enough, we both have our faults and flaws… I can’t honestly say it doesn’t drive me crazy when you leave the bathroom door open just when the shower has warmed up the room… or that I don’t hate the way you always have to turn the fan on at night… The fact that you haven’t stopped smoking cigars upsets me and when you put things on top of the fridge where I can’t see or reach, I want to scream.

I know you hate it when I don’t back the truck in the driveway or when I ride on empty without filling up the tank. You get pretty irritated when the clothes aren’t put away or when I let the girls run around with messy hair. I can pretty much expect you to be in a bad mood when I take too long to get ready… you hate being late… and you hate waiting. Of all the stupid things we argue about, I can appreciate that it’s never anything major... and that it never lasts long… and that we always make up… and our ‘making up’ is always pretty awesome :)

Over the years, I’ve grown pretty fond of all your quirks and even though I act like you get on my last nerve sometimes, I still smile about your imperfections when you’re not looking. I can’t help but to love even the worst side of you… because you have loved even the worst side of me. No matter what tomorrow brings, I can face it because of the strength you’ve shown me. I never knew a love like this existed until one day I looked up and realized I was living in it.

Thank you … for being the best part of me.

Thank you for becoming the man you are.

Thank you for making me the woman that I am.

Thank you for showing me what Love is.

Thank you for taking all the pain away …
and for making my life brighter than before.

I love you.