EDITED: Not so *throwing my hands up* now :)

My initial posting of this entry was kinda harsh… so this is the revised, more polite version :) I had to do a double take and scold myself for being so completely confrontational. Not good… NOT good.

I’m not perfect. (WHAT a surprise, huh? LOL) It’s such a heavy pressure to feel as though I can’t EVER get frustrated… can’t EVER feel weary… can’t EVER present weakness… I’m human. I LOVE THE LORD. I am SO passionate about my ministry, and because of that I DO try to carry a strong persona… But I am not going to present a fake "perfect" version of myself, censoring my feelings and putting a cap on what I can and cannot share just to appease people’s idea of what people in ministry should be. As much as I encourage people and as positive as I am MOST of the time, I think I’ve earned some occasional vent and/or whining-until-someone-cyber-hugs-me time! It’s so important that we UPLIFT one another and not give one another the *side eye* when we’re struggling with our faith. We ALL have those times when the burden we bear becomes too heavy for us – the STRUGGLE comes in when our spirit wants to hand it to God but our flesh keeps saying, just one more step… I can make it, I know I can carry it just one more step. Then, what happens? We fall.

While we can never be PERFECT, we can present the best of ourselves. I completely feel comfortable that I am doing that. However, when I am feeling flustered, frustrated, and fed up … well, that’s what is going to come through in my writing. I cannot make myself into something I’m not. I’ve got so many things to keep track of, I can’t give you anything but what’s honestly underneath because I just can’t focus long enough to remember what I used to cover it up. It takes too much time and effort, so what’s real – well, that’s what you get. I’m not one of those completely "together" moms who never misses an appointment, never oversleeps, gets gleeful about cleaning, wakes up and LIVES for putting on oven mitts, and smiles with completely level blood pressure when she hears a shrill MOMMMMYYYYY for the thousandth time. I’m NOT that woman . I LOVE my family. I ADORE my kids and I document (obsessively) their every move… most of our memories are saved in this blog complete with video/pictures. Even so, from time to time, they get on my LAST nerve! I’ve been known to send them to their room with instructions NOT to come out until they have to get on the bus for school – in AUGUST! I’ve even snapped in a stressed-out, chocolate-devouring, fingernail-biting, cross-eyed fit of complete loss of patience before. Oops. That’s just how it is. Life is real… and I get totally disheveled at times… sometimes I just completely unravel at the seams.

That doesn’t mean my faith has died; it just means I’m human. The fact that I am the face of StepInFaith Ministry doesn’t cause my nerves to experience this instantaneous metamorphosis from being a biological element to being fashioned out of steel. I still need some encouragement here and there; still need to vent here and there… I still struggle immensely – STILL, STILL, STILL. And guess what? I cannot bring myself to apologize for being who I am. God is so awesome at convicting me and lovingly – and sometimes even kinda roughly – nudging me into personal change… into spiritual growth to the next level of my Purpose.

NOTE TO SELF>> Always listen for God’s voice. {check }

At the end of the day – and when I wake up tomorrow – I’m still me. Hopefully a little better than I was yesterday, but *me * nonetheless! I’m still quirky, crazy {in a good way}, a little over the top… I still love GOD and put Him first, live to please Him, and do my best to be obedient to His Will. When I trip, I still repent, get up, and try to do better next time. And MAN do I still trip! Life is SUCH a process… I’m still equipped with the Word of God, and I think His expectations are just fine without footnotes of man… don’t judge me; don’t attack me. If you can CONSTRUCTIVELY criticize, I am SO open to receive loving revelation. But save the rude comments, the comparison of my life to others that you know. This is not a competition. I’m making it the best way I can, and if someone else is doing a better job in your opinion, then go give them kudos – but don’t bring me down.

Now, if you all don’t mind… I am going to go cuddle with my youngens in my not-so-clean house while the brownies bake :) Ciao!

Until next time...



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