The Past

Looking back over my life, I am always amazed to realize that everything I have been through… all the experiences I’ve had… every setback, success, trial, triumph, obstacle, and victory that I have seen have all led up to this moment. What is this moment? The present. The precious gift that I am only given once. As I think about this wonderful blessing I am standing in each second of my life, I begin to thank God for choosing me to have a Purpose unfulfilled. Why am I thankful that my Purpose is unfulfilled? Because when I no longer have a Purpose, I cease to exist. I believe my Purpose is ever-evolving… growing, expanding, breathing. God started out small, but every time I start to get close, He moves the target. He keeps me on my toes; gives me reason after reason to keep pressing on, keep seeking Him.

A decade ago, I was 3 months shy of learning that my entire life as I knew it would be changing. It was March 1999 and I was 16 years old. I was a carefree high school sophomore who had no idea who she was… The span that covered the three years prior had been filled with stints to juvenile hall and boot camp. I had been on and off of probation, dabbled in drugs and alcohol, and been expelled from two schools… I was an angry and bitter young teenager. I felt alone and confused, unsure of myself and of where I belonged. I was an emotional whirlwind and had two suicide attempts under my belt. To look at me, you would see nothing short of a beautiful, intelligent, normal teenage girl but just under the surface revealed a darker picture of depression and uncertainty.

June 1999, I found out I was carrying a child. Numbness and shock immediately set in as I realized that my life was over. I had an enormous weight on my shoulders as I carried the burden of the most important decision I would ever make: Do I keep this baby? After all the terribly irresponsible things I had done and all of the things I had gotten entirely wrong in my life, I was dead set on making sure this wasn’t one of them. Fast forward to 2009… as I look at my 9-year-old daughter, I have no doubt in knowing that petrified 16 year old made the right decision. Despite everyone who told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, I kept her. What is my point in sharing all of this today? Well, I’m glad you asked…

Thirteen years ago, I wanted to die. I was crying out for someone to fix me; someone to make me whole. Everything I tried to use to fill the void I felt in my heart only made the gaping hole that much deeper and made me feel that much more of an empty shell. I knew who Jesus was, but I didn’t want Him. I wanted Taaka and Jose Cuervo and marijuana and cocaine and valium and all of the people that shared these things with me to fix what was wrong with me. I depended on them. God stopped me dead in my tracks by giving me the most wonderful blessing I could ever imagine: someone who would depend on me. My daughter gave me no choice but to be more than I was… because I knew I could never allow her to end up like me. I never wanted her to feel what I felt… I never wanted to her need the way I needed. The moral of the story: No matter where you come from, what you’ve done, how far you’ve fallen, how many times you’ve ran from Him or cursed Him or shut Him out, God still loves you… and no matter who tells you that your life is over and that you’ve messed up so badly you can’t fix it, YOUR LIFE CAN BE PUT BACK TOGETHER and YOU CAN BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN!

Here I am, a decade later… and I am TWO things that I never would have imagined possible back then: ALIVE, and HAPPY. And you want me to let you in on a little secret? My life wasn’t over. It had just begun. If you are at a crossroads in your life where you feel like everything is over for you and you think you have no reason left to live, remember one thing: YOU ARE HERE NOW, which means that in THIS moment, YOU have a Purpose in Christ! The most amazing fact I ever learned: When you feel like it’s all over, that means that it’s time to start over again. Accept Christ today… let GO of your past… and become the person that YOU always knew you could be. The world would have you to think that you can’t turn back – that you’ve gone too far. That is never true. God is your strength, and He is willing to carry you. All you have to do is climb into His arms.

If you want to give your life to Christ, pray this simple prayer:

Father God, I thank You so much for touching my heart. I’ve made a mess, Lord, and I need Your help. Please come into my heart, God. I believe that You sent Your son to die for my sins and I ask that You send Your Holy Spirit to dwell within me, to direct my path and order my steps. I need Your guidance and Your strength, Lord, because I know this won’t be easy but all things are possible with You. Please forgive me for my sins, God. I repent for all of the things I have done that were displeasing to You and I just ask that You wash me in the blood of Jesus and make me whole again. I pray these things in the preciously perfect name of Jesus Christ… Amen.

God loves you, and He wants the best for you… He delivered me from the things I was allowing to destroy my life and He saved me from myself – and He can do the same for You.

The title of this post is “The Past” because from this point forward, everything that happened before this moment is “The Past” and we are going to leave it there. Life starts THIS day… and I am so grateful that I am still able to chase my dreams and grab ahold of my Purpose. For so long, I had been waiting to exhale… holding my breath just biding my time until this life consumed what was left of me. God rejuvenated me and gave me LIFE in all of it’s abundance. Praise His Holy Name!!!

Until next time...



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