I just got off the phone with my dad and I can’t stand him more than ever. That’s not good to say. I know. I will have to get over this and I will have to forgive him and I will have to move on. But right now I am so upset. He’s so selfish and just defends everything he did (or didn’t do) and acts like he did the absolute best he could do. I won’t say that I was the best child in the world. I am probably one of the worst children in the world. Oh, wait. That would be the typical child. Apparently he thinks that he spent 18 years trying to have a relationship with me. I remember it very different. I am so upset! He like had an attitude with me about what I said and told me that he stopped calling because when I was younger (childhood to early teens, no less) I wasn’t interested in talking to him. I was A FREAKIN KID! You gave up on me because I was a KID? What freakin KID wants anything to do with her parents???? Did I say any of this? No. I have no idea why but I didn’t even want to argue about it. I could tell he was going to remain in his own little world and that nothing I said had gotten through… nothing even penetrated the surface. OK let me back up. I sent him a letter telling him how I felt. A long letter. A very long letter. He called me and kept saying “I know your mother told you bad things about me” and “Your mother wouldn’t let me talk to you for the first three years” blah blah blah (HELLO, you left when I was 5 months old and by the end of the first three years, guess what! I was THREE! What does that even matter?? Would it have mattered to me if I talked to you? Would it have changed anything if you got to talk to me as a toddler? I was like I’ve been out of my mom’s house since I was 17 years old – you have called me TWICE since then without me calling you first. He told me that was not true. Yes, it is. And, I’m about to be 25… Then he has the nerve to say he never forgot a birthday or anything – however, I DISTINCTLY remember CRYING MY HEART OUT because of the fact that he did. So, yeah… you did. So, unless you have another child named Kathleen, you have gotten CONFUSED about just how connected you were throughout my life. Did I say any of this? No. Why? I don’t know. I guess I got the feeling early on in the conversation that this conversation would be like many of the other 5-minute-or-less conversations we have had – all about HIM. Thom Toler and his music. Let me sing you a song so I can hear myself sing and then I will have nothing else to say. Goodbye.
I could have saved every bit of what I said in my letter and took it to my grave because as far as he is concerned, none of it was how things were and he has done way more than most other fathers… I beg to differ. I will never ask him for another dime – apparently it only makes him feel better about himself when he sends it. UGH!!!!!! Yeah, I’ve needed plenty of financial help throughout the years and I am SOOOOOO appreciative that he was willing to help me out, but GOOD LORD I needed a DAD! What was his response to the fact that he was willing to send me $200 of the $270 that I needed for school back in Junior College but never asked me how my grades were or what my major was? Not “I’m sorry” … not anything … just dear old wonderful dad. Dear old always absent, never interested dad. He just basically got mad at me for how I felt. He told me that he’s been through a lot in his life too… this and that… he’s had financial troubles… then told me he had to borrow money to pay for his daughter’s wedding… “I didn’t want to but I just had to because it’s up to the father of the bride to take care of that stuff.” DID YOU HEAR WHAT YOU JUST SAID????????? HELLLLOOOOO??? I didn’t even HAVE a wedding! Where were your responsibilities then??? Where was dear old wonderful dad when *I* got married? Weren’t you the FATHER OF THE BRIDE when I got married?? Oh my GOSH he’s so selfish and wrapped up in his own little life! Then he had the nerve to say that he brought me to Tennessee to see him when he lived in Nashville. ARE YOU NUTS?! I was ALREADY IN NASHVILLE VISITING VERONICA AND MY AUNT MARYANNA!!!!!!!!!! My grandmother and my aunt brought me to TN! NOT YOU! I am so upset!!!!!!!
Then he said that he saved up 2500 every year to come to MS to spend time with me and Kelly and take us shopping. Every year???? Are you serious? Every year for what? 2 years? The first time he did that, was before I had surgery. We were living at Dearborne. He claims that I don’t remember things about waaay back then. Let me tell you what I remember. I remember that we went to the mall… I remember that I picked out his pretty dress that was several sizes too big. It was black velvet on top, came down into a “V” at the waist in the front, and was pink satiny material on the bottom that flowed out. I just HAD to have it; he got it. I thought he was the best dad in the world. The second time, Veronica spent much of that time with us. My dad talked about himself and his kids and he rollerbladed around and flirted with all the women we saw. Yeah. I remember more than you think I do. He acts like he was sooooo strapped for money and every penny he ever sent was such a huge sacrifice. How much did you spend on your other kids? Never missed a child support payment, huh? Until when? How old was I when you stopped paying child support? Let’s not go there. You and your family live in a big nice house! Brand new vehicles… you flew and/or drove back and forth to and from Florida and Colorado all the time… people who are strapped for cash can’t do that. My mom surely couldn’t. You have had the same phone number since as far back as I can remember; how many schools did I go to? How many phone numbers did I have? How many addresses have I had? Don’t try to make me feel sorry for you. Have your children had to go without going to the dentist? I guess not, since Erika had braces. I needed them. Couldn’t get them. I am so upset. He said fathers don’t chase down their kids that’s not how it’s done, hasn’t been since the beginning of time. EXCUSE ME?????????????? That was my last attempt at this. I thought maybe if he knew how I felt, things may change. We may be able to talk about it. He just argued with me and discounted my feelings. And since “fathers don’t chase down their kids” then I’m sure he won’t be pursuing a relationship with me either.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with our relationship – that’s within myself… I can forgive him. But I am done beating a dead horse. It’s gotten me nowhere up until now and it’s obviously not going to get me anywhere because he lives in this fantasy “lie land” where everything he wanted to do right, he has convinced himself that he did! I am washing my hands of it. I am not spending my whole life going back and forth with this. I’ve already spent years waiting on him to realize that it’s HIS place to try. I AM YOUR CHILD! But I suppose now that I have hurt his pride since he’s the worlds best dad, now he wants to challenge me and say he can’t understand why I would say any of those things. I am not angry. I am frustrated. If I was angry, I would be crying. I am not angry. I’m not even hurt. What would I call it?
I’m apalled.
I am shocked.
I am flabbergasted.
I am at a loss for words.
I am confused.
But hurt? Angry?
I’ve been those things toward him before
At this point, I am just seriously in disbelief.
I feel sorry for him because he lives in a world that is running parallel to the REAL world and obviously he doesn’t allow himself to realize what a sorry human he is and what a piss poor job he did at being a father to me.
I am tired.
I am washing my hands of this.
Period.
I waited years to say all of those things.
Years.
They are all out in the open … None of that is weighing on me anymore. And none of it even pierced him. He doesn’t care about anything I said because he doesn’t think any of those things are accurate. He has some other idea of what happened. He has spent all these years telling himself he was a great dad and he did all he could do… but he gave up long ago and for some reason, he thinks that is just fine and that it’s not HIM who should want to be in MY life, but ME who should want to be in HIS because PARENTS don’t chase their CHILDREN in his world… CHILDREN chase their PARENTS. Wow. He lives in a much different place than I’ve ever lived. My mom sure chased me for a long time. But then again, that is called CARING which he obviously isn’t capable of doing.
Out of sight; out of mind.
Out of my life.
Period.
Did you enjoy this post? Subscribe to my blog to stay up to date on all my posts!
Sponsors:
TwitPics
