A testimony of faith…

I am starting to feel it… a few months ago, I told a friend that I had tried to make myself not feel anything for so long to avoid being hurt that I got to where I just didn’t feel anything anymore… like I had become numb to emotion… I have really been asking God to restore me in that sense. Because some things, I feel to the depths of my heart; to the core of my spirit… but the things that really hit me are usually the emotions that I don’t want to hit me – like hurt, pain, guilt, shame, worry, etc… I feel compassion and empathy, but it has been so long since I actually felt JOY and PEACE… TRUE joy and peace… those are the two things that I just couldn’t seem to come across. I think I am finally getting them back again and it’s an awesome feeling. I am being restored through my trials… God is making me whole – I’m realizing all of the things I thought were right with me weren’t… and God is helping me to become who I am called to be. What does that mean … “who I am called to be” ??? I mean who I am called to be not just in works but in spirit, in character, in understanding and application of His Word. I mean, yes, works – my book, my ministry, my actions, my attitude, my responses, etc… – all are important as well; but I mean becoming WHO He called me to be so that I can do WHAT He called me to do. I really feel the Holy Spirit and it’s lovely!!!

I will share a little about what my family has been going through as a foundation for the true reason for this post. I am proactive. I am an optimist. I am also a realist. I try not to get sucked into all the things the world would have me get sucked into, but lately I have found myself getting depressed about things I should not even be worried about – namely, all the things I can’t control, change, or cast out of my life at this point! I have four children, ages 7, 6, almost 5, and 2. We also are expecting baby # 5 in July. I have a lot of mouths to feed; no family to help us; no government assistance because we don’t qualify or meet their eligibility requirements or whatever – we don’t have any help with food or daycare or anything and can’t get any. I have been feeling overwhelmed and feeling defeated. I feel even more defeated just BECAUSE I feel defeated, if that makes any sense. I have been doing a lot of crying… a lot of wondering why things are happening like this. We are in a bad situation and I just really have been in need of prayer. I don’t have anyone to turn to… no one who can deliver us but God… and He will. But, lately I have been feeling so weak and spiritually drained.

My husband got an NFL contract early this year and before he left in March to play overseas, we moved out into the country because we were in a bad neighborhood in a house where you could just about jiggle the doors open… anyway, believing that he would be there this season, we kinda felt like we were stepping out in faith… God opened some doors for us to have a nice home with a lot of land. We literally moved into an approximately 2800 sq ft very nice home for not even $300 and they worked with us on the rent throughout the season while he was overseas and we had planned on buying this house. Of course, things didn’t turn out the way we expected them to and here we are now… about to have to move out of the home we had always dreamed of having and I have yet to figure out what to do, but am determined to lean on the Lord and trust in His promise for provision. I thought that we had been blessed to find this house but now it feels more like a test of my perseverance.

I am a full time Biblical and Religious Studies major online at Regent University but my internet and phone are disconnected so I don’t have any way to do my work except from 5-5:45 at work after I get off and before I have to pick up the kids from daycare or I have to do all my postings on my cell phone which takes forever, but I am thankful that at least I do have that option. I dropped one of my classes because of how overwhelmed I was and now the school says I owe $538 because of my financial aid, which must be paid before I register for the next term. (ugh) Everything is behind … thank God the kids go to the church daycare because we are very behind in daycare fees as well and other daycares would refuse to keep them by now… Thank God for church family – they are there when no one else is. it’s just a bunch of mess and every time I think I am going to be able to straighten something out, something else pops up and it doesn’t work out how I plan it. God is enlightening me through our circumstances, though… He is building my spirit – he is showing me things and revealing things to me that I’ve never realized before. It’s not easy going through all that we are facing, but it’s all for a reason and even though I am human and sometimes I do get frustrated and I do feel weak, God is my rock.

I had allowed myself to get very stressed out and started feeling helpless. My husband was out of work for a while when he got home (he was released from the NY Giants due to injury) and we’ve gotten so far behind in everything that it seems impossible for us to get caught up. It started to seem like the walls were closing in on me. Typically I am the strong one… the one that can sit back and just know that things will be ok, but I felt like I am losing control because the devil is throwing so much at me and I can’t seem to dodge anything! It makes me so frustrated because I know that something will happen and it will work out, but it just doesn’t make it any easier. I have been having headaches, my fibromyalgia is getting worse because of the stress and now since Barry is not in the NFL our landlord is not so quick to work with us and it feels like we are about to just lose everything and there seems to be no end in sight. What’s more stressful of course is that it is Christmas and we thought this year would finally be a great Christmas, but it’s looking like aside from the tree, nothing much is going to be going on. I feel very guilty for feeling the way I feel but I am just so heartbroken for my babies because it seems like no matter what we do, they always have to be the ones to go without things that other kids have; and when we thought Barry would be playing football, we promised them Christmas this year would be wonderful. Not gonna happen.

Right now, we don’t have living room furniture because we couldn’t pay the note which isn’t a big deal, but two of their beds were financed with that stuff so they also picked their beds up and it breaks my heart because now we have four kids and they have a toddler bed and a twin bed between all of them so we either make them a palett on the floor or they sleep with us. We are trying so hard, and I had gotten to a point where I just couldn’t understand why things are only getting harder. We just pray that we find favor and that the Lord sees to it that we have mercy in our situation. I started reading others’ posts about how tough things are, how stressed and depressed they feel… and it all came down to one thing: the HOLIDAY season… and MONEY. And I started realizing that this is exactly what the devil would want all of us to do – and exactly how he wants all of us to feel – hopeless. I started thinking about all of the things I was feeling – all of the things I am writing about right now… and I said to myself – “Don’t you sound like a winner?!” (sarcasm emphasized and noted!) The answer is NO! No, I felt and sounded and acted like a loser – like I had no idea that God has already declared that I am more than a conqueror – that I am an overcomer by the blood of Jesus and BY THE POWER OF MY TESTIMONY! I realized God is using my situation to build my faith in Him and to develop a testimony that can touch the lives of others.

There is nothing I can do to change our circumstances. I was extremely frustrated as I am sure that some of you are about your own situations, but I can only do what I can do and the same is true for you and everyone else who is going through trials right now. This seems like absolutely the worst time for trials being that it is Christmas and our kids will get nothing as we are trying to not get evicted and not have our lights/gas/water cut off or our insurance lapse or our van repoed. It’s very tough for us and we are just trying to keep our heads up and do our best to straighten things out. Trust me, it is not that we are not trying and it’s not that we aren’t used to struggling – my husband and I both grew up pretty much this same way in single-parent, female-led homes. What makes it all harder is that it seems that we haven’t provided any more for our children than our parents did for us except for the fact that we are still together. BUTTTTTT – we are still standing! My husband is alive; I am able to walk; My children are healthy… things could be SO much worse than they are, but by the grace of God, we are blessed NOT to be going through alllll the many things that we COULD be going through. In our time of trouble, we have to be able to be thankful for all that we DO have and to be still and wait on the Lord to deliver us in His perfect timing!

There are those who would judge my situation… my response is that until you has actually been in a position to have no idea how you will buy winter clothes or put food on the table or have beds to sleep on or money to pay what you owe and are truly in a position to have no other choice but to trust God for deliverance, then you wouldn’t understand what we are going through and how hard we are trying. And you couldn’t be blessed with a solid trust in God because if you’ve never HAD to lean on Him, then you can’t KNOW He’ll be there. Am I saying that you can’t trust in God if you haven’t struggled through my struggles? No, I am not. All I am saying is that I am blessed to have actually SEEN God work in my life and I have to appreciate that even though it was/is/will be tough for a while. Sometimes, what you are going through can make you feel like you are drowning. I am sharing all of this because I want people to know that you are not alone in your feelings, and while, yes it may be somewhat embarrassing for others to know about your situation, GOD GAVE YOU YOUR SITUATION FOR A REASON. To hide it is to not allow God’s glory to shine through. Some people think I am too open (my husband for one haha) but I don’t care what other people think about my life. I am OPEN for the same of God’s Kingdom – for the sake of those who need to be encouraged, knowing that they are not the only ones with hardships… and knowing that it’s GOD that can pull you out. WE ALL still must get it together and not let our circumstances bring us down… things have happened that were beyond our control and this is where we are now. It is what it is. We have to just be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel – and even if we can’t see it, we have to at least get to a point where we trust that it is there.

I never imagined it would be this hard to catch up, but it seems impossible to get current when you are constantly paying what is past due. And when you have gas pricing rising and food getting more and more expensive, it seems like the “need” number just grows larger and larger as more things get behind! But one thing that I know is that God’s favor is amazing and He will make a way no matter what happens. I mean only to encourage everyone to look at the bright side – to focus on what we DO have and what we CAN do rather than get depressed because of things we can’t change. I can’t help how things have happened and I am determined to REFUSE to allow this situation to continue to make me feel weak and helpless. I would never judge anyone’s situation or try to make anyone feel like they are wrong in their ways. I simply am trying to encourage another outlook – a new perspective… an attitude of hope. You would be surprised what happens when you believe. God is in the blessing business and He hears the cries of His children and He answers their prayers. All it takes is faith. Be encouraged. Things have a way of working themselves out.

The difference in having peace or having a heart attack is the way you choose to look at it all. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. I refuse to let it kill me… so God is only making me stronger. I challenge you all to take on a new worldview and find the peace that surpasses all understanding, which will carry you through your trials in one piece. Everything you are enduring only makes you stronger and more equipped for your purpose. The Lord will work ALL things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to HIS PURPOSE!!! There are always those who are in their darkest hour – always those experiencing hard times – pray for God to touch those who believe in Him; and pray for God to touch those who can be drawn to believe in Him through their deliverance. You will be blessed through your intercession. God bless all my sisters and brothers in Christ!