Dear old wonderful dad…
I just got off the phone with my dad and I can’t stand him more than ever. That’s not good to say. I know. I will have to get over this and I will have to forgive him and I will have to move on. But right now I am so upset. He’s so selfish and just defends everything he did (or didn’t do) and acts like he did the absolute best he could do. I won’t say that I was the best child in the world. I am probably one of the worst children in the world. Oh, wait. That would be the typical child. Apparently he thinks that he spent 18 years trying to have a relationship with me. I remember it very different. I am so upset! He like had an attitude with me about what I said and told me that he stopped calling because when I was younger (childhood to early teens, no less) I wasn’t interested in talking to him. I was A FREAKIN KID! You gave up on me because I was a KID? What freakin KID wants anything to do with her parents???? Did I say any of this? No. I have no idea why but I didn’t even want to argue about it. I could tell he was going to remain in his own little world and that nothing I said had gotten through… nothing even penetrated the surface. OK let me back up. I sent him a letter telling him how I felt. A long letter. A very long letter. He called me and kept saying “I know your mother told you bad things about me” and “Your mother wouldn’t let me talk to you for the first three years” blah blah blah (HELLO, you left when I was 5 months old and by the end of the first three years, guess what! I was THREE! What does that even matter?? Would it have mattered to me if I talked to you? Would it have changed anything if you got to talk to me as a toddler? I was like I’ve been out of my mom’s house since I was 17 years old – you have called me TWICE since then without me calling you first. He told me that was not true. Yes, it is. And, I’m about to be 25… Then he has the nerve to say he never forgot a birthday or anything – however, I DISTINCTLY remember CRYING MY HEART OUT because of the fact that he did. So, yeah… you did. So, unless you have another child named Kathleen, you have gotten CONFUSED about just how connected you were throughout my life. Did I say any of this? No. Why? I don’t know. I guess I got the feeling early on in the conversation that this conversation would be like many of the other 5-minute-or-less conversations we have had – all about HIM. Thom Toler and his music. Let me sing you a song so I can hear myself sing and then I will have nothing else to say. Goodbye.
I could have saved every bit of what I said in my letter and took it to my grave because as far as he is concerned, none of it was how things were and he has done way more than most other fathers… I beg to differ. I will never ask him for another dime – apparently it only makes him feel better about himself when he sends it. UGH!!!!!! Yeah, I’ve needed plenty of financial help throughout the years and I am SOOOOOO appreciative that he was willing to help me out, but GOOD LORD I needed a DAD! What was his response to the fact that he was willing to send me $200 of the $270 that I needed for school back in Junior College but never asked me how my grades were or what my major was? Not “I’m sorry” … not anything … just dear old wonderful dad. Dear old always absent, never interested dad. He just basically got mad at me for how I felt. He told me that he’s been through a lot in his life too… this and that… he’s had financial troubles… then told me he had to borrow money to pay for his daughter’s wedding… “I didn’t want to but I just had to because it’s up to the father of the bride to take care of that stuff.” DID YOU HEAR WHAT YOU JUST SAID????????? HELLLLOOOOO??? I didn’t even HAVE a wedding! Where were your responsibilities then??? Where was dear old wonderful dad when *I* got married? Weren’t you the FATHER OF THE BRIDE when I got married?? Oh my GOSH he’s so selfish and wrapped up in his own little life! Then he had the nerve to say that he brought me to Tennessee to see him when he lived in Nashville. ARE YOU NUTS?! I was ALREADY IN NASHVILLE VISITING VERONICA AND MY AUNT MARYANNA!!!!!!!!!! My grandmother and my aunt brought me to TN! NOT YOU! I am so upset!!!!!!!
Then he said that he saved up 2500 every year to come to MS to spend time with me and Kelly and take us shopping. Every year???? Are you serious? Every year for what? 2 years? The first time he did that, was before I had surgery. We were living at Dearborne. He claims that I don’t remember things about waaay back then. Let me tell you what I remember. I remember that we went to the mall… I remember that I picked out his pretty dress that was several sizes too big. It was black velvet on top, came down into a “V” at the waist in the front, and was pink satiny material on the bottom that flowed out. I just HAD to have it; he got it. I thought he was the best dad in the world. The second time, Veronica spent much of that time with us. My dad talked about himself and his kids and he rollerbladed around and flirted with all the women we saw. Yeah. I remember more than you think I do. He acts like he was sooooo strapped for money and every penny he ever sent was such a huge sacrifice. How much did you spend on your other kids? Never missed a child support payment, huh? Until when? How old was I when you stopped paying child support? Let’s not go there. You and your family live in a big nice house! Brand new vehicles… you flew and/or drove back and forth to and from Florida and Colorado all the time… people who are strapped for cash can’t do that. My mom surely couldn’t. You have had the same phone number since as far back as I can remember; how many schools did I go to? How many phone numbers did I have? How many addresses have I had? Don’t try to make me feel sorry for you. Have your children had to go without going to the dentist? I guess not, since Erika had braces. I needed them. Couldn’t get them. I am so upset. He said fathers don’t chase down their kids that’s not how it’s done, hasn’t been since the beginning of time. EXCUSE ME?????????????? That was my last attempt at this. I thought maybe if he knew how I felt, things may change. We may be able to talk about it. He just argued with me and discounted my feelings. And since “fathers don’t chase down their kids” then I’m sure he won’t be pursuing a relationship with me either.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with our relationship – that’s within myself… I can forgive him. But I am done beating a dead horse. It’s gotten me nowhere up until now and it’s obviously not going to get me anywhere because he lives in this fantasy “lie land” where everything he wanted to do right, he has convinced himself that he did! I am washing my hands of it. I am not spending my whole life going back and forth with this. I’ve already spent years waiting on him to realize that it’s HIS place to try. I AM YOUR CHILD! But I suppose now that I have hurt his pride since he’s the worlds best dad, now he wants to challenge me and say he can’t understand why I would say any of those things. I am not angry. I am frustrated. If I was angry, I would be crying. I am not angry. I’m not even hurt. What would I call it?
I’m apalled.
I am shocked.
I am flabbergasted.
I am at a loss for words.
I am confused.
But hurt? Angry?
I’ve been those things toward him before
At this point, I am just seriously in disbelief.
I feel sorry for him because he lives in a world that is running parallel to the REAL world and obviously he doesn’t allow himself to realize what a sorry human he is and what a piss poor job he did at being a father to me.
I am tired.
I am washing my hands of this.
Period.
I waited years to say all of those things.
Years.
They are all out in the open … None of that is weighing on me anymore. And none of it even pierced him. He doesn’t care about anything I said because he doesn’t think any of those things are accurate. He has some other idea of what happened. He has spent all these years telling himself he was a great dad and he did all he could do… but he gave up long ago and for some reason, he thinks that is just fine and that it’s not HIM who should want to be in MY life, but ME who should want to be in HIS because PARENTS don’t chase their CHILDREN in his world… CHILDREN chase their PARENTS. Wow. He lives in a much different place than I’ve ever lived. My mom sure chased me for a long time. But then again, that is called CARING which he obviously isn’t capable of doing.
Out of sight; out of mind.
Out of my life.
Period.
“Mold Me” Monday :)
*Today is Monday! The beginning of a new week… a new opportunity to be molded into a new me! This is what I intend to pray on this week for God to help me change within myself.*
Wow. Where would I even begin? There are so many things going on right now and I am experiencing hindrance and growth all at the same time. God continues to show me His might, His mercy, and His grace… He continues to humble me and to provide me with an empathetic mentality despite my own trials. I am constantly reminded in my spirit that there are so many others who are enduring even more difficult circumstances than I am. I guess the most important thing that has been my focus lately is leaning on HIM entirely and not trying to figure things out on my own or work things out through my understanding. I am practicing NOT getting in His way. He consistently makes a way when I can see NO plan in sight. He unfailingly astonishes me every time I take a moment to reflect long enough to notice and recognize His hand at work in my life. My prayer this week is that I can be strong in the spirit and that I develop more solid sense of control over my perspective, reactions, thoughts, and words; and that I am able to stay spiritually aware of the things that are going on around me, accepting the revelations that God is intending for me to uncover!
It’s amazing…
… how much of a jerk some people can be. As if I don’t have enough going on in my life right now, I have to deal with people who just can’t seem to figure out what most of us learned back in Kindergarten: TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD HAVE THEM TO TREAT YOU.
But then again, some people also think that it’s their world since they sign the checks. Guess what… it’s not. Oh, and signing the checks only buys labor… it doesn’t give you the right to treat/talk to people just any kind of way. Oh, and just for the record, there are plenty of other people out there that sign checks too. :) Maybe I should go find one that knows how to have respect for others instead of just expecting everyone to respect them without doing one single solitary thing to deserve it.
Whatever.
Now I finally know why no one stays here. No matter how loyal or dedicated you are, eventually you just can’t even make yourself care anymore… which really sucks because I honestly try to.
A testimony of faith…
I am starting to feel it… a few months ago, I told a friend that I had tried to make myself not feel anything for so long to avoid being hurt that I got to where I just didn’t feel anything anymore… like I had become numb to emotion… I have really been asking God to restore me in that sense. Because some things, I feel to the depths of my heart; to the core of my spirit… but the things that really hit me are usually the emotions that I don’t want to hit me – like hurt, pain, guilt, shame, worry, etc… I feel compassion and empathy, but it has been so long since I actually felt JOY and PEACE… TRUE joy and peace… those are the two things that I just couldn’t seem to come across. I think I am finally getting them back again and it’s an awesome feeling. I am being restored through my trials… God is making me whole – I’m realizing all of the things I thought were right with me weren’t… and God is helping me to become who I am called to be. What does that mean … “who I am called to be” ??? I mean who I am called to be not just in works but in spirit, in character, in understanding and application of His Word. I mean, yes, works – my book, my ministry, my actions, my attitude, my responses, etc… – all are important as well; but I mean becoming WHO He called me to be so that I can do WHAT He called me to do. I really feel the Holy Spirit and it’s lovely!!!
I will share a little about what my family has been going through as a foundation for the true reason for this post. I am proactive. I am an optimist. I am also a realist. I try not to get sucked into all the things the world would have me get sucked into, but lately I have found myself getting depressed about things I should not even be worried about – namely, all the things I can’t control, change, or cast out of my life at this point! I have four children, ages 7, 6, almost 5, and 2. We also are expecting baby # 5 in July. I have a lot of mouths to feed; no family to help us; no government assistance because we don’t qualify or meet their eligibility requirements or whatever – we don’t have any help with food or daycare or anything and can’t get any. I have been feeling overwhelmed and feeling defeated. I feel even more defeated just BECAUSE I feel defeated, if that makes any sense. I have been doing a lot of crying… a lot of wondering why things are happening like this. We are in a bad situation and I just really have been in need of prayer. I don’t have anyone to turn to… no one who can deliver us but God… and He will. But, lately I have been feeling so weak and spiritually drained.
My husband got an NFL contract early this year and before he left in March to play overseas, we moved out into the country because we were in a bad neighborhood in a house where you could just about jiggle the doors open… anyway, believing that he would be there this season, we kinda felt like we were stepping out in faith… God opened some doors for us to have a nice home with a lot of land. We literally moved into an approximately 2800 sq ft very nice home for not even $300 and they worked with us on the rent throughout the season while he was overseas and we had planned on buying this house. Of course, things didn’t turn out the way we expected them to and here we are now… about to have to move out of the home we had always dreamed of having and I have yet to figure out what to do, but am determined to lean on the Lord and trust in His promise for provision. I thought that we had been blessed to find this house but now it feels more like a test of my perseverance.
I am a full time Biblical and Religious Studies major online at Regent University but my internet and phone are disconnected so I don’t have any way to do my work except from 5-5:45 at work after I get off and before I have to pick up the kids from daycare or I have to do all my postings on my cell phone which takes forever, but I am thankful that at least I do have that option. I dropped one of my classes because of how overwhelmed I was and now the school says I owe $538 because of my financial aid, which must be paid before I register for the next term. (ugh) Everything is behind … thank God the kids go to the church daycare because we are very behind in daycare fees as well and other daycares would refuse to keep them by now… Thank God for church family – they are there when no one else is. it’s just a bunch of mess and every time I think I am going to be able to straighten something out, something else pops up and it doesn’t work out how I plan it. God is enlightening me through our circumstances, though… He is building my spirit – he is showing me things and revealing things to me that I’ve never realized before. It’s not easy going through all that we are facing, but it’s all for a reason and even though I am human and sometimes I do get frustrated and I do feel weak, God is my rock.
I had allowed myself to get very stressed out and started feeling helpless. My husband was out of work for a while when he got home (he was released from the NY Giants due to injury) and we’ve gotten so far behind in everything that it seems impossible for us to get caught up. It started to seem like the walls were closing in on me. Typically I am the strong one… the one that can sit back and just know that things will be ok, but I felt like I am losing control because the devil is throwing so much at me and I can’t seem to dodge anything! It makes me so frustrated because I know that something will happen and it will work out, but it just doesn’t make it any easier. I have been having headaches, my fibromyalgia is getting worse because of the stress and now since Barry is not in the NFL our landlord is not so quick to work with us and it feels like we are about to just lose everything and there seems to be no end in sight. What’s more stressful of course is that it is Christmas and we thought this year would finally be a great Christmas, but it’s looking like aside from the tree, nothing much is going to be going on. I feel very guilty for feeling the way I feel but I am just so heartbroken for my babies because it seems like no matter what we do, they always have to be the ones to go without things that other kids have; and when we thought Barry would be playing football, we promised them Christmas this year would be wonderful. Not gonna happen.
Right now, we don’t have living room furniture because we couldn’t pay the note which isn’t a big deal, but two of their beds were financed with that stuff so they also picked their beds up and it breaks my heart because now we have four kids and they have a toddler bed and a twin bed between all of them so we either make them a palett on the floor or they sleep with us. We are trying so hard, and I had gotten to a point where I just couldn’t understand why things are only getting harder. We just pray that we find favor and that the Lord sees to it that we have mercy in our situation. I started reading others’ posts about how tough things are, how stressed and depressed they feel… and it all came down to one thing: the HOLIDAY season… and MONEY. And I started realizing that this is exactly what the devil would want all of us to do – and exactly how he wants all of us to feel – hopeless. I started thinking about all of the things I was feeling – all of the things I am writing about right now… and I said to myself – “Don’t you sound like a winner?!” (sarcasm emphasized and noted!) The answer is NO! No, I felt and sounded and acted like a loser – like I had no idea that God has already declared that I am more than a conqueror – that I am an overcomer by the blood of Jesus and BY THE POWER OF MY TESTIMONY! I realized God is using my situation to build my faith in Him and to develop a testimony that can touch the lives of others.
There is nothing I can do to change our circumstances. I was extremely frustrated as I am sure that some of you are about your own situations, but I can only do what I can do and the same is true for you and everyone else who is going through trials right now. This seems like absolutely the worst time for trials being that it is Christmas and our kids will get nothing as we are trying to not get evicted and not have our lights/gas/water cut off or our insurance lapse or our van repoed. It’s very tough for us and we are just trying to keep our heads up and do our best to straighten things out. Trust me, it is not that we are not trying and it’s not that we aren’t used to struggling – my husband and I both grew up pretty much this same way in single-parent, female-led homes. What makes it all harder is that it seems that we haven’t provided any more for our children than our parents did for us except for the fact that we are still together. BUTTTTTT – we are still standing! My husband is alive; I am able to walk; My children are healthy… things could be SO much worse than they are, but by the grace of God, we are blessed NOT to be going through alllll the many things that we COULD be going through. In our time of trouble, we have to be able to be thankful for all that we DO have and to be still and wait on the Lord to deliver us in His perfect timing!
There are those who would judge my situation… my response is that until you has actually been in a position to have no idea how you will buy winter clothes or put food on the table or have beds to sleep on or money to pay what you owe and are truly in a position to have no other choice but to trust God for deliverance, then you wouldn’t understand what we are going through and how hard we are trying. And you couldn’t be blessed with a solid trust in God because if you’ve never HAD to lean on Him, then you can’t KNOW He’ll be there. Am I saying that you can’t trust in God if you haven’t struggled through my struggles? No, I am not. All I am saying is that I am blessed to have actually SEEN God work in my life and I have to appreciate that even though it was/is/will be tough for a while. Sometimes, what you are going through can make you feel like you are drowning. I am sharing all of this because I want people to know that you are not alone in your feelings, and while, yes it may be somewhat embarrassing for others to know about your situation, GOD GAVE YOU YOUR SITUATION FOR A REASON. To hide it is to not allow God’s glory to shine through. Some people think I am too open (my husband for one haha) but I don’t care what other people think about my life. I am OPEN for the same of God’s Kingdom – for the sake of those who need to be encouraged, knowing that they are not the only ones with hardships… and knowing that it’s GOD that can pull you out. WE ALL still must get it together and not let our circumstances bring us down… things have happened that were beyond our control and this is where we are now. It is what it is. We have to just be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel – and even if we can’t see it, we have to at least get to a point where we trust that it is there.
I never imagined it would be this hard to catch up, but it seems impossible to get current when you are constantly paying what is past due. And when you have gas pricing rising and food getting more and more expensive, it seems like the “need” number just grows larger and larger as more things get behind! But one thing that I know is that God’s favor is amazing and He will make a way no matter what happens. I mean only to encourage everyone to look at the bright side – to focus on what we DO have and what we CAN do rather than get depressed because of things we can’t change. I can’t help how things have happened and I am determined to REFUSE to allow this situation to continue to make me feel weak and helpless. I would never judge anyone’s situation or try to make anyone feel like they are wrong in their ways. I simply am trying to encourage another outlook – a new perspective… an attitude of hope. You would be surprised what happens when you believe. God is in the blessing business and He hears the cries of His children and He answers their prayers. All it takes is faith. Be encouraged. Things have a way of working themselves out.
The difference in having peace or having a heart attack is the way you choose to look at it all. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. I refuse to let it kill me… so God is only making me stronger. I challenge you all to take on a new worldview and find the peace that surpasses all understanding, which will carry you through your trials in one piece. Everything you are enduring only makes you stronger and more equipped for your purpose. The Lord will work ALL things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to HIS PURPOSE!!! There are always those who are in their darkest hour – always those experiencing hard times – pray for God to touch those who believe in Him; and pray for God to touch those who can be drawn to believe in Him through their deliverance. You will be blessed through your intercession. God bless all my sisters and brothers in Christ!
9 weeks, 1 day along…
This is kinda scary LOL This is me at 9 weeks with Avalyn (left) and 9 weeks with the new baby (right):
GEEZZZZ… I don’t even want to think about it LOL This is me just before Ava was born…
Can you imagine what I am going to look like full term??? Oh wow. 5th kid. Bad idea LOL!!!
The Relationship Between Salvation and Speaking in Tongues
Pentecostal teaching has commonly maintained that the outward sign of baptism in the Holy Spirit is speaking in tongues. There are many cases where being filled with the Holy Spirit did not result in speaking in tongues. When Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, she spoke a word of blessing to Mary. (Luke 1:41-45) When Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit, he prophesied. (Luke 1:67-69) Other results of being filled with the Holy Spirit were powerful preaching of the gospel (Acts 4:31), wisdom and Christian maturity and sound judgment (Acts 6:3) powerful preaching and testimony when on trial (Acts 4:8) a vision of heaven (Acts 7:55) and faith and maturity of life (Acts 11:24). Therefore, while an experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit may result in the gift of speaking in tongues, or in the use of some other gifts that had not previously been expereinced, it also may come without the gift of speaking in tongues. In fact, many Christians throughout history have experienced powerful infillings of the Holy Spirit that have not been accompanied by speaking in tongues. The Holy Spirit “apportions each one individually as he wills.” (1 Cor. 12:11)
The disciples at Pentecost received this remarkable new empowering from the Holy Spirit because they were living at the time of the transition between the old covenant work of the Holy Spir t and the new covenant work of the Holy Spirit. Though it was a “second expereince of the Holy Spirit, coming as it did long after their conversion, it is not to be taken as a pattern for us, for we are not living at a time of transition in the work of the Holy Spirit. We are in the same position as those who became Christians in the church at Corinth: when we become Christians, we are all “baptized in one Spirit into one body” (1 Cor. 12:13). The disciples’ baptism in the Holy Spirit as evidenced by speaking in tongues happened because they were living at a unique point in history. This event in their lives is therefore not a pattern that we are to seem to imitate. Nowhere do we hear of the risen Lord Jesus speaking to the troubled and weak churches in Rev 2-3, “Ask me to baptize you in the Holy Spirit.” It is hard to avoid the conclusion that the two-level or two-class Christian structure taught by different groups does not have a solid foundation in the New Testament itself.
This being said, we may expect that at many times, as a Christian is sincere in the steps of confessing all sins, repenting of any remaining sin in their lives, trusting Christ to forgive those sins, committing every area of their lives to the Lord’s service, yeilding to Him, and believing that Christ is going to empower them in a new way and equip them with new gifts more ministry, the Holy Spirit will graceously bring a measure of the additional fullness and empowering that sincere Christians are seeking, even though their theological understanding and vocabulary may be imperfect in asking. Eph. 5:18 infers that we should be continually filled with the Holy Spirit, and that this will result in renewed worship and thanksgiving (Eph. 5:19-20). There is nothing wrong with teaching people to pray and to seek this greater infilling of the Holy Spirit, or to expect and ask the Lord for an outpouring of more spiritual gifts in their lives for the benefit of the body of Christ. However, speaking in tongues is not the only evidence of being baptized in the Holy Spirit; therefore, it is not an element of salvation.
Ref: Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine by Wayne Grudem, 1994
Procrastination…
Webster’s Dictionary defines procrastination as “to put off, defer, or postpone to a later time.” A later time.
Who among us actually has a later time? Rather, who among us has the authority to claim that they have a later time? Each day, we consciously and subconsciously decide to put things off “until tomorrow.” In all honesty, this is silly considering that none of us are actually promised tomorrow. We say we will forgive that person later; have that conversation later; straighten our lives out later… we claim that we will go back to school later; express our feelings later; apologize later… we will mend relationships later; get closer to God later; spend time with our loved ones later…
Who made you so enlightened that you are so sure you will definitely have the time to do any of those things “later?”
What if tomorrow never comes? What if you never forgave that person, had that conversation, straightened out your life, expressed your emotions, apologized, mended that relationship, got closer to God, or spent time with your loved ones? What if you had all these good intentions that never came to pass and you never see tomorrow? Right now is a gift… it is a gift because you already possess it – it has already been given to you. So use your time wisely. Don’t leave things unfinished; ends untied. If you have this moment, you have more than some people ever got to see… and you still have right now to do all those things you’ve been meaning to do, but putting off.
So, forgive that person.
Make that call… have that conversation.
Straighten out your life.
Go back to school.
Express your feelings.
Apologize!!
Mend that relationship.
Get closer to God.
Spend time with the people you love.
Tomorrow may never come. Don’t leave your life untended to; don’t leave others behind wondering how you felt, what you thought, where you stood… Don’t go before God with excuses about why you never came to Him, why you never forgave, why you never apologized.
Procrastination is foolish. Postponing things infers the assumption that the time which you have appointed will come. Do it. And do it now.
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